Sara's Slim Down

2011-02-20T18:20:00.000-08:00

Been thinking a lot lately. I have been so wrapped up in the thought of losing weight that I forget important things sometimes. I found myself chewing myself out. "Why was it so easy last time?" Well, duh, I was simply losing pregnancy pounds, it came off in 3 months once I decided to work on it. Started when baby was 9 months old, by she was 1 year old I was 5 sizes smaller!

This time around, I have a lot of health to rebuild. I need to remember that. A lot of, if not most of, this weight has nothing to do with pregnancy even though there were two pregnancies in the time frame. I need to focus on rebuilding my health much more and not simply getting smaller.

Silly me, I knew that but sometimes we get wrapped up in an idea don't we? Maybe we feel pressure to get there already, I know I have. Just too busy with everything else to sort out my own thoughts and emotions at times. But I have been reading a lot again lately and it is all very encouraging books. That is the type of thing I need to be feeding my brain, good words, good thoughts, healthy movement and good food. The rest will follow.

I have to take the time to make the time for myself to get healthy and then I will be better focused in every thing.

Jack LaLanne

2011-01-23T22:24:00.000-08:00

A true icon in the fitness world, a pioneer of fitness for athletes and women, one of the most lively energetic people probably in the whole world; Mr. Jack Lalanne died this past Sunday. I just found out today and I must admit, I cried. I found Mr. LaLanne's videos of his 30 year running fitness show on youtube early in 2010. I was immediately hooked on it. He was a firecracker right up till the end. Such energy and vitality, truly practicing what he preached when it came to health and fitness. He inspired many and will continue to do so including me and my family.

I can hardly write anything, I am so in shock and very sad that this man is gone. I pray he rests in peace. I cannot write anything worthy, I cannot get my brain around it that it is real. I know he was 96, I know for most people waking in the AM may be a surprise at that age but I fully expected him to live to well over a hundred.

My heart goes out to his lovely wife, his children and to everyone who, like me, looks up to him so. I'll keep watching his old TV show online and I hope you check it out too, especially if you never have. His energy is contagious and I want you to catch it.

We should all go do as many jumping jacks as we can muster in his honor. Rest in peace Jack, you will be sorely missed.

http://www.jacklalanne.com/

http://www.reuters.com/article/idUSTRE70N0JQ20110124

http://www.google.com/hostednews/ap/article/ALeqM5hJDMA_e-Cn_u5dKfcR6F8rZZpoNw?docId=6d9191a19531432382ce0aa42604acdb

A new year.......just thoughts and feelings. nothing specific.

2011-01-22T16:05:00.000-08:00

I was looking back on 2010, realizing....hey it is 2011! It always seems to take me most of January before the reality of a new year really hits me. Maybe it is a side effect of being a mommy to two very busy, active toddlers but the years really just come and go so fast that I can miss it if I blink.

I felt like I just blinked and now it is 2010....oops, I really did type 2010 on accident, funny no? I mean, I felt like I just blinked and now it is 2011

My children will get another year older, one of them quite soon. My oldest has a birthday in April. She will be 4! My youngest, he will turn 3 in November! A year means so much in the development of a small child. That really hits you and you are just running to keep up with them, teach them what they need to know, and have lots of fun with them trying to treasure each little tiny moment. Before I know it another year is gone and the kids have changed so much but many times when a new year rolls around I realize, I have not met all my goals, I have not changed in that area, my body is still the same, how did this happen?

Wow, another year just gets away from me and I didn't even realize it. I spend all my time taking care of the kids, the house, the husband and at the end of the day am like, where did it go? What just happened? Oh, it is time for bed? WOW Oh look, another year and is it my birthday again already? I will be 29 this year. That sounds so much older to me than 28 for some reason, maybe because it is only a year away from the big 30. I know, that is still rather young, I'm not old. But sometimes I feel old in my spirit, I have been through a lot, a lot more than I wanted to be through. Seems tragedy ages a person's soul and I have to just grow and change and learn with it. Wisdom is great but it can bring or be brought about by sorrow. Not that I am wise, probably not very, but I know things now I never did before that is for sure! The learning never ends.

I have learned a lot from many people this past year. I have such great friends in real life and on the internet that have been there for me through the years. It is amazing to me to talk to someone online and have them tell me, "Oh hey I remember you, I prayed for you and your family!". WOW, how humbling. There are a lot of wonderful people in the world you just have to keep your heart open and God sends them your way.

Some people may not ever even know how they touched my life, they may just send me a nice note one day then forget about it later. But, it matters. Every little moment matters, every giggle from my kids, every new word they learn, every time they count a little higher and run a little faster it is like watching a miracle. My little blessings, my heart running around outside my body in the form of two squealing toddlers. Even they teach me a lot, I don't think I knew what real patience was until I had children, or true, pure joy, thankfulness, awe.....the list goes on. My kids have taught me a lot and they don't even know it, they can't even ride a bike yet but they teach me daily.

Anyway, this post was supposed to be about my fitness goals, how I don't want to let another year fly by without taking the time to be consistent and get fit so I can feel great and catch up with those super fast toddlers.....maybe there is a reason God made them so fast...hm. They sure do keep me from being stagnant and just sitting around all day! Just like life this post didn't go as planned. Plans can change. It is the day to day choices that will inevitably add up and I need to keep that in mind as I think "laundry? or workout". The laundry will still be there right? Sure, it will....

So, maybe I will save the lecturing myself about fitness for another day. Right now I get to go out with my wonderful husband. Thank God for my wonderful family! Cheers!

Still here!

2011-01-09T20:37:00.000-08:00

I know I have been out of touch, my computer even went out on me for a short time. It has been kinda nuts around here but:

Overall eating less and moving more. Things are getting better and better. Changing lifestyle is much better than trying to diet and be perfect. Slowly getting back to the lifestyle I had years ago, a bumpy road but a good one. ;)

One thing you know for sure, if I am not on here much, I am getting more movement in my life overall and cooking a lot more homemade stuff. So, that means much less computer time! MUCH less. But I will still be here, and keep you posted. Thank you for joining me. :D

Staying at home.

2010-12-29T10:12:00.000-08:00

I recently read that it is harder for women who stay home to lose weight than those who have a job...no kidding. I could have told you that.

Just this past Christmas I experienced the ease at which I avoided bad food and overeating all due to the fact that I was around people. I wasn't lonely, bored with day to day housework, I was having fun and I had people to talk to. I had something other to do than clean the toilet and wipes up kid messes. I love my kids and I would not dream of doing anything else but it has come to a point where I need to get out more and I'm sure the kids would enjoy it too! I mean, I have more than enough to do, don't get me wrong. Being a mom is the hardest thing ever but part of that hardship, for me, comes from loneliness especially in a one car household. Daddy has the car at work, we are stuck here, daddy works at a prison so we cannot even call to say hi during the day.

We don't live in a place where I have a ton of other stay at home moms living close by, there is no walking to the store or friends houses. There is not a place or thing for me to do for all of the workdays other than be here alone, working and caring for children. I end up feeling sad, and thus thinking about food a lot. I think this must happen to a lot of women who are stuck like this. We didn't plan on being a one car family for this long, but it has been over 2 years already! WOW, no wonder I get a little lonely.

I'm not trying to say all is lost but, it is just hard. Over the holidays it was so GREAT to get out and see people. I actually didn't eat junk and I came home hungry! I also felt, happy. That is a big deal to just feel happy and content. I tell ya, being at home, I have way too much time to think. My kids are still toddlers so the conversations aren't exactly adult like at all. They are fun and wonderful but they cannot give mommy everything she needs.

Another thing that comes from being away from the house is a great appreciation for home once you get back to it.

I do not know what the solution is yet but I need something, I need to figure it out.

Facebook

2010-12-19T10:18:00.001-08:00

Just wanted to mention I do have a facebook page and would like to invite you to join me there if you wish. http://www.facebook.com/home.php#!/pages/Saras-Slim-Down/146227608735243

I usually let people know there when I have a new blog post and there are many days where I do not blog but simply post a little update there about how my day went with eating and exercising. :) Thanks so much for being here for me!

Okay, bad day came and went and I'm still here and happy. :)

2010-12-13T12:43:00.000-08:00

So, I had a bad day as you saw by my last post. That is OK. I knew it would happen, it invariably does every time I start to get consistent with workouts. This time it took longer to happen, that is a good sign. Also, I managed to pick myself up the next day and keep on going. I got through the bad day and the feelings of hopelessness that came with it.

I'm sure I will still get sad sometimes about my size, I do have a long way to go after all. It isn't like one month is going to have me back in a normal, non obese size waistband. This is going to take a good long time of working hard. I'm up for it now though! I really am.

I have many things I am thankful for. My legs and arms are not that far gone and pretty darn muscular. That is really great and I am happy about it. They have a tad of fat to shed but it isn't too bad. I'm happy with them for now.

Now that I seem to have really found my "answer" to consistent workouts I want to address my eating even further than I have already. I must guard greatly for awhile against going back to old ways.

I want to drink only water during the day. I love to have stevia sweetened tea, while it has zero calories it keeps me from drinking adequate water and the caffeine leaves me dehydrated. So, only water. Maybe tea with supper.

I would like to start drinking green tea at night when I am watching TV with my husband instead of chowing on his yummy homemade tortilla chips.

I will add in one serving extra of veggie or fruit per day until it is to where I think I should be.

I have more things I want to try but I don't want to overload my brain. I will write those down later. :D

Sometimes I just don't feel nice.

2010-12-11T11:01:00.000-08:00

Not every day can be a great day. I hold out hope that the end of my day will be much better than it has felt so far. I say felt because that is my problem right now, my darn feelings.

As great as these past two weeks have been, these days will still come, I have to work through it somehow. I know I will but in the moment, well sometimes a girl has just gotta cry it out to get past it. A good cry never hurt anyone, holding it in is what hurts. So, yes, I have cried. I feel slightly better but still have a lot of bad thoughts floating around my brain a painful feelings hurting me yet. Looking forward to this evening, I will probably feel better by then.

I just want to feel, normal. That is all. I want to feel like a normal human being again. I feel very rotten about myself and there are many other issues that come with that. I wish that eating wasn't something I had to do, or that buying clothing could be avoided, really, I wish I could go and hide somewhere for a good year to get myself back into shape. But, we cannot hide from our lives to fix what we messed up. We have to do it all at the same time.

I know I'm not being very positive or elegant in my writing today. But, it is one of those days. Nothing feels right right now. I need to go find a way to get over it, so until then. Wish me luck! I'm sure you will be able to tell when I am over it....for now.

Many great things happening....

2010-12-07T21:01:00.000-08:00

Oh it has been a great 11 days! I have had a few emotional ups and downs but overall really good. Last post being about how I haven't lost major inches yet...I mean really it is only 11 days, no biggie; so I wanted to make this post about all the other wonderful benefits I am enjoying, in only 11 days.

If you are just joining me, that is 11 days of consistent T-Tapp workouts while taking advantage of trainer Charlotte Seims 30 day virtual coaching program (I will not answer any questions regarding what specific workouts I am doing so as not to spoil this program she is selling, you will have to buy that information from her yourself, it wouldn't be right of me to share that with you, it is T-Tapp and that is all you need to know, :D ). So, here are the great things that have happened to me these past 11 days!

#1 I have in the past had a bad habit of staying up too late and not feeling rested, I now go to sleep sooner and sleep better. It is easier to fall asleep and easier to get up in the morning.

#2 I have increased flexibility in my legs, especially my right leg that has always been tight. Less nerve issues in it as well. And I continue to enjoy the healing that has occurred in my back thanks to T-Tapps primary back stretch.

#3 I notice more definition in my arms, sides, and hips.

#4 I have great energy levels throughout the day!

#5 Having suffered from much sadness and even depression following a tragedy in my life as well as probably from all the bad eating that followed, I am now feeling happy all day long! I have better focus and am really enjoying myself, for real. It is like a fog covering my brain has been lifted. :)

#6 Ladies you will love this one for sure, my PMS symptoms are hardly even noticeable. Most of them completely gone.

#7 This is a benefit I have enjoyed for a long time even through times of hardly any workouts, I haven't been sick in ages.

#8 Less swelling/bloating in general.

#9 Fewer cravings!

#10 I saved this one for last as it is just something that is personally very important to me. I have for most of my life had a passion for movement natural health and healing. My struggles for a fit body started when I married but mostly I over came those struggles until 3 years and 8 months ago. I lost my desire to try, to go on. My third pregnancy while healthy enough and ending with a wonderful home birth was difficult and uncomfortable. I got really big and especially since then have found most movement difficult, so difficult I stopped caring for a long time, lost that passion. I use to love to dance, to bike, to skate, to just move all the time. I loved to move and use my body for exercise and working. For these past several years it has been just plain unpleasant and even depressing to try. It mostly made me cry.

These past 11 days, for the first time in 3 years and 8 months, I have regained a passion for movement. I have picked up hobbies with a renewed passion and joy that I haven't experienced in ages. I feel alive again. It tears me up to just think about.

This workout has in the past and continues to touch my life in ways I never thought a workout could. It has worked to heal me so well and it has kept me from illness through massive emotional trauma and horrific amounts of overeating of junk foods. I really truly could not thank God enough for my finding this and for the great gift he gave Teresa Tapp as she created this workout.

Thank you to GOD almightly the great alpha and omega, creator of my soul and of my body; my body that works so well at healing itself when I care for it properly!

I want also to thank Teresa Tapp who besides creating this workout has through her generous giveaways and discounts (via super closeouts or her regular contest for free or discounted product) has enabled me to bless many others with the gift of the T-Tapp workout. Thank you to T-Tapp trainer Kirsten Tucker as I learned a lot in her class (my first T-Tapp class ever!), and to trainer Charlotte Seims for her wonderful online coaching program that has pulled me out of my slump of mostly not working out and into the world of consistent workouts! I prayed for an answer to this problem and her email about her latest coaching program was my answer.

Of course also thank you to all the other T-Tappers out there and on the forums. You are all so supportive and sweet! And to my mother for always encouraging me and being there for me no matter how I was doing. To my kids, always a smile for me and a hug on a bad day. They are what I live for and keep going for. And of course to my husband, for never giving up on me, for always assuming I would make it and for supporting my decisions and for letting me buy all the DVD's my heart desires as well as an expensive treadmill. And thank you for reading and joining me here on my journey!

Virtual coaching program, Day 10!

2010-12-06T11:36:00.000-08:00

10 Days into this commitment to consistency, I have worked out 9 of those 10 days! I am happy with my consistency that is for sure.

I have been feeling good. Inch loss has been minimal. My thighs evened out and my arms lost a little bit as well as my abdomen. Waistline stayed the same. Am I disappointed? Maybe but not much. In my history of T-Tapp I lose quicker when I workout 3 times a week as opposed to daily. I expect to see more loss after this 30 day program is up and my muscles recover from the extra effort a bit more. :D

Another success I have enjoyed is increased flexibility. I used to not be able to pick my foot up behind me to stretch the front of my thigh, now I can with ease. At the beginning of this 10 days it would cause major leg cramps to even try. So, this is great. :)

I also have more energy, been sleeping better, and of course my back feels even better as I am doing many more back stretches than I was before. Everything just feels great all around! :D

What about weight? Well, if you know anything about T-Tapp, about how body weight is not a very good way to measure you success, you know I don't usually even weigh myself. I go by my health, my waist size, and how my clothes fit! Who cares if I end up being a heavy, fit and trim, size six? Not me! If I get there and am still 20 pounds more than I thought I would be, I don't really care. I like that muscle weight, that burns fat for me so the weight can stay as long as I get smaller!

As a matter of fact, I did weigh when I started the virtual coaching and you know what? AFter a week, I gained 4 pounds! Did I get bigger? NOPE Did my pants get tighter? NOPE So, you know what, who cares? Not me. In all actuality that may not even be a real gain, weight can fluctuate by up to five pounds every day! According to Dr. Oz's book "YOU: On a Diet", you should set a weight "range" to shoot for and combine it with measuring your waist to track your progress. There is no magic number for your weight. I am happy that in one week of consistent workouts I may have gained 4 pounds of muscle, that is GOOD news, not bad. So, I'm very happy about it. In the end I know I will lose some weight as I have many sizes to lose, so as the fat comes off and more muscle comes in it may balance out for while but in the end I know I will weigh less.

I was grateful to learn early in my life that inches count and pounds don't. I have always weighed more than I look, I don't know why, maybe just because I am tall? Who knows. When I was 15 I weighed around 140-145 and was very small waisted and slender wearing a size 4/6. At that age I began to figure skate, I must have gained a lot of muscle because; without gaining any height or getting any larger my weight shot up to 160! How can that be? Muscle, pure and simple. I didn't get any bigger, nor any taller but my size stayed a 4/6 and my weight 160 and when I grew a little taller, 165. I was pretty tall already, only an inch shorter than I am now at 28. So never forget, "inches count pounds don't"!

Now, when I broke a foot, gained a little tummy fat and wasn't working out due to my foot, then I LOST weight. Interesting no? I lost muscle pure and simple. So, why torture yourself with a scale? Throw it away and buy a tape measure instead. You will love it. Take monthly photos to see how your shape is changing and how you are firming up, but please don't weigh yourself weekly, that is such a joy stealer and certainly isn't motivating.

Coaching program, Day 6!

2010-12-02T09:40:00.000-08:00

Day six already. Tomorrow will be one week and is an "off" day. You may notice I am not posting exactly what workouts I am doing and when? Well, that is because this is a program that trainer Charlotte Seims is selling and I feel it wouldn't be right for me to share great detail of what I am doing.

I must say that it has been a blessing so far. Having my schedule already written out is really helping. I used to try to write my workouts down after the fact, that never worked for me. But, with a reasonable schedule set out ahead of time I feel like I have to stick with it. If I don't I won't get enough workouts in.

So, it is very motivating, the tips are great, I am going to miss them when the 30 days are up. I think I will make it a habit to do something with a trainer online a few times a year, this is really fun even though it is "virtual". :)

And, tomorrow is measuring day! Little nervous....

A possible answer....

2010-11-27T12:42:00.000-08:00

I have spoken before of my struggle with consistent workouts before in my big confession of how lacking I had been in this area of my routine. Well, it seems I am still lacking. I have thought, and prayed, and tried different things to get myself consistent. Way back when I could just pick something up and stick with it. I have noted many times how things are not the same and that I must need something other than sheer will or desire to get where I need to be.

I knew this, still know it, and haven't yet found my cure. I thought well, I am not for schedules. I have always hated them, never stick with them. I have always thrived on just doing what needs to be done when I can and being very productive as such. I am still this way with most things, but not with exercise. When it comes to exercise, that bit of a plan in my head has not been enough to keep me going. I have tried writing it down, never being one for lists this hasn't worked either, I get so upset when I don't keep to the list and trash it.

I think all in all, in the end, there are just days where the emotional, downtrodden feeling just becomes too overwhelming and moving on with my exercise plans seems depressing. I have so much farther to go than ever in my life. For the past 3 years or more taking time to do things other than housework or caring for children, has felt selfish to me. But, I know I have to workout, I know why, I know it will be better for my whole family in the end to have a very happy mommy who has enough energy not just for them but for all my hobbies and loves of doing and moving all day; this will benefit the children greatly and my husband. Even so, getting there is very hard; very, very hard.

I think I had come to the end of my rope when I saw an email from one of my very favorite, most inspiring T-Tappers, Charlotte Seims, in my inbox. She, now as a T-Tapp coach has come up with a "Renew You Virtual Coaching Program". I have read her success story of a size 22 to a 6 in a year over and over again; her story being one of the few things that keeps me motivated to not give up completely. And when I saw the price of the program, that I had the money, and that I would get daily emails and tips from her, she who has been about the same size I am and even sedentary for many years; I bought the program immediately! I had been praying for help, help for my lack of consistency and the emotions involved with needing to lose more than 4 clothing sizes. I have been exercising all these years, but to no avail partly due to eating and pregnancy but a big part of the lack of size loss is my lack of consistency. I can workout hard for a week, even a month, then quit for several weeks after that out of frustration and feeling hopeless.

It isn't motivation I lack, I am motivated, but it wanes very much after a week and a lot of soreness, especially after a month. When you lose a size and are still quite large, depression happens a lot.

It isn't a lack of time or desire, willpower. It is a feeling, a feeling that still creeps upon me all too often. I am looking forward to hearing tips from someone who has been this large and over come, someone who has gone through this very thing I am facing. I am sure it will help some, how much is yet to be found out. Either way here I go, day one. I read the emails I have received thus far, printed out the schedules, (yes schedules I say fearfully!), and did my first workout being sure to mark it off on my chart. I am supposed to measure to keep track of progress and I still need to skin brush for the day (something else I haven't kept up with and I can see how it has had a negative effect on my skin to be so negligent about it).

Even so, today during my workout I had a lot of negative feelings. Guilt, anger, sadness....These things can be overwhelming and are the reason why I have such a hard time getting consistent. I am constantly wishing exercise were still fun and only necessary to maintain but that is not the case.I HAVE to do workouts to get thin again.

It get's to a point, and has for me, where it is about the weight and not just how I feel. I am strong, sure. I can do lots of heavy lifting and working then look in the mirror worn and tired and see that no matter how fit I may feel at times, I am still very large and that is depressing, and terribly uncomfortable in many ways. So it has gotten to a point where the size of myself has negatively impacted my enjoyment of life in general and is with me daily never leaving me in peace. It is a lack of normalcy. Never the less I try to be grateful. My sob story is a mere 3 and a half years of hardship. Not nearly what some people must face. I am very grateful that most of my life I had been thin save for pregnancies. Maybe that is part of the reason that now I feel very freakish and embarrassed about my size, it isn't normal and I want it gone, 3 and a half years is long enough to live this way. I am hoping that by following a schedule someone else made for me, it won't be me having to think about it so much, just doing what the schedule says and hopefully later, the consistency will stick.

I certainly don't want to seem ungrateful for what I do have. I have been very blessed to have found T-Tapp in the first place. If it weren't for T-Tapp I would still have severe neck and back pain, daily headaches and trouble sleeping and probably be diabetic and have knee trouble along with that. I have been very blessed to have kept decent health through all of this and have even achieved much healing from injuries. For these things I am so grateful and am sure to not ever forget no matter how down I am feeling about my size.

Link to Charlotte Seims site and her virtual coaching program: http://charlottesiems.com/virtual-coaching

An unexpected snack food.

2010-11-23T08:36:00.000-08:00

I don't know about you but most of the snack foods that I love are finger foods. I mean, who breaks out fork and knife for a snack? Not me. Also, for me sometimes foods simply have a positive association because of something going on while I ate them. I associate finger foods with fun, good times, relaxing with my husband and yummy appetizers at my favorite restaurant. They are usually what I reached for when I was eating for comfort.

Now the other night we needed a side dish quick and we were so busy with kids and grilling, couldn't find the can opener to just open a can of something, anything to get dinner on the table. Then I remembered I just bought lettuce and red peppers the day before. So I tore off and rinsed a few leaves and threw some sticks of red peppers I had cut up on top. My husband was wondering what the heck I was doing at first and I said, "It is salad, we will eat it with our hands, here is the dressing to dip it in." When he raised a brow I said "Well, Guy Fieri does it!" (He likes the show Guy's Big Bite on the Food Network so I figured he would take me more seriously then. Good thing he really did serve salad that way, as I can't tell a lie even if I wanted to.)

Even though it was just lettuce and peppers we loved it. I mean really loved it. As I ate I realized that the dreaded limp salad I usually disdain for the cause that my salad dressing always seemed to pool at the bottom of my bowl causing me to have a soupy mess; was now transforming into something I was falling in love with! Eating whole leaves was fun, it was finger food! I would wrap the red pepper strips in a romaine lettuce leaf and dip it in my favorite dressing with the same high I get from dipping a chip in cheese dip then chowing down on it like I was eating a hefty, greasy taco. I just ate and ate and ate. I ignored the chicken on my plate most of the meal as the fresh crunch of a healthy finger food was just so great and, most importantly, very satisfying.

I felt like I was eating one of my favorite comfort foods and at the same time making a new memory. I was forming a good, even great association with a healthy food as I always really enjoy eating a meal with my husband and children. Since then I have craved this snack, I love eating with my fingers and not getting them greasy. I have a new comfort food, veggie tacos wrapped in romaine lettuce dipped in vinaigrette.

I wonder what other comfort junk foods I can find a creative way to transform into a healthy mimic of the experience? I look forward to trying some new things out.

Familiar bad feeling.

2010-11-18T16:14:00.000-08:00

I know I shouldn't do this and I need to be positive and everything but, bad feelings happen and best to be honest about them, write them down and get them out of my head....move on.

Today as I looked at my goal for Thanksgiving, I started thinking what I can do to get there. I need to lose another inch in my waist to fit in those pants comfortably for thanksgiving....as I try the 18's on to find that out; I catch sight of the 16's I fit in just this last January. Oh the regret and pain that comes from realizing I gained weight back when I was doing so well. It is hard, it is frustrating and makes a person feel pretty rotten. So there it is, my bad feelings. Hopefully now I can get back to being positive, maybe a set of HD's will cheer me up.

Please no "you can do it" messages, I have really heard that so much it has lost some of it's impact. I know I can do it.....doesn't make the journey sweet and fun all the time. There are still hard days and this is one and many more to come I am sure. Maybe tomorrow you can cheer happily for me again. Nothing personal. Yall are great.

Confession time. Long post ,bear with me.

2010-11-11T10:13:00.000-08:00

This is a hard post to make but I must make it if I am to move on from here. I have been battling my weight for a little over three years. Despite that battle, I am larger now then when I started. We all know why that is and that was my emotional over eating. Ok, so I am past that now and that is thrilling. I did workout through it all, but not every week. So the consistency wasn't there. My pant size fluctuated from size 20 to 16 and now....

Well first let me say that this past January, I entered the T-Tapp January 30 day Challenge. I did pretty good losing over all 20 plus inches over my whole body in total. I was happy with my consistency that I had that month. The problem came that I didn't keep up with it after that. For many months I wasn't at all consistent. Did I workout? Yes. Did I workout hard when I did? Yes. But I didn't make a consistent week to week commitment and that combined with the occasional but still quite bad eating habits still challenging me, I didn't lose anymore inches for a long time, in fact I am bigger now (even though last week I lost two waist inches!), than I was then. From January until I started this blog I had grown and gotten back up to that size 20. Yep, the two wonderful sizes I had lost I gained back. How did this happen?

Well, when you add in still battling the bad eating habits, (not overeating just too many bad choices), with not being consistent with workouts, to life issues that were stressful, and also not enough sleep you get a bigger waistline! So, that is what happened. I won't get into life issues as they are kinda private, no offense.

Let's see, I started this blog in August. So that is 7 months after the January challenge and my weight already creeped back up by then. It has been a mere 3 months since I started this blog. In that time I have made many new healthy habits when it comes to eating. The thing I have failed to do is make a consistent workout habit. Yep, and there is the big confession, despite what I know about working out, my body and what will work; I have not yet been consistent enough with workouts! I would have a good week or two in there and then a week of not working out much at all or not at all. And the cycle continued.

Whew, glad to get that off my chest. To me being consistent is working out for 20 plus minutes three times per week and keeping a decent level of natural activity throughout the day every day. If I combine this with my new found or should I say, finally consistent healthy eating habits I know I can lose inches barring any unknown medical complication. I am trying to do things that are good for my thyroid and adrenals just in case, I know my adrenals must be tired from the massive amounts of chronic stress I suffered from for years. So, I will take care of those type of issues of course.

Also on the health front I have started taking coconut oil. This amazing stuff has been proven to fight off yeast(candida) and help you lose weight. When I take it the inches come off much easier (Like they did last week! Haven't measured this week yet)

This brings me to now. November 11, 2010. Size 20 (pants have gotten more comfortable since last week, I was probably a size 22 seeing as the 20's were rather tight and uncomfortable but like I was gonna buy that size...no I got rid of those 2 inches thank goodness and it only took a few days). So, how did I do that? Well, T-TAPP, And coconut oil!

Yep, that is magic right there. Will it keep coming off? Sure, if I am consistent with my workouts and continue to use proper form.

This brings me to my next point. T-Tapp is not by any means easy. If you find it easy, you are not using proper form, period. I'm not trying to be mean, or ugly, or insult your abilities. Nope, not at all. I just want you to know what this workout can do for you if you take the time to make sure you are doing it correctly. If you are not keeping shoulders in line with hips, knees bent deep and pushed out to little toe, toes forward, tuck butt, suck in that belly, set lats, lift ribs and all that you may find T-Tapp easy. Do you have to be perfect? No. Do you have to do your best? Yes. Can you do T-Tapp with correct form and still not get results? Yes, if you don't tighten your muscles and push to your own personal max you may not get amazing results very quickly and it may feel too easy.

Going to the T-Tapp forum for tips is a huge help in making your way to proper form if you are finding T-Tapp too easy. The ladies there are super helpful and very sweet and kind. Being able to find a trainer online or in person is also really awesome! There are a lot of wonderful trainers out there. I was privileged enough to meet Kirsten and take a class with her and can't wait to do it again! And calling the T-Tapp office to ask questions, they have great customer service.

Why do I love T-Tapp? Because it has healed me from chronic back pain and nerve problems that plagued me for many years (yes, even when I was thin, thin isn't everything people) leaving me in pain every day and suffering from chronic headaches.

Despite my lack of consistency that has caused me to not lose the weight my blood sugar is fine, I have good energy levels, my knees hardly ever bother me and a dose of walking with T-Tapp principles helps a lot, and my back pain and headaches haven't been back, they have been gone for over three years despite my heavy weight and large size! That alone is enough reason for me to keep T-Tapp in my life for good even if I experiment with other workouts for fun.

I also love the mind body connection. Nothing, and I mean nothing, not ice skating, weight lifting, ballet (yes I used to do these things when I was fit believe it or not...long time ago), nothing has given me the mind to muscle control that I have gotten from T-Tapp. It is a feeling you really can't describe. I can fix a little kink in my back in the morning simply because I can now tighten at will every single teeny tiny muscle along the entire length of my spine and throughout my entire back. My spine will pop when I do this. And when I do a full primary back stretch it is even better and I am all loose, limber, and totally awake. It is such a feeling of being alive it is amazing. To have that feeling of health and strength at a size 20 is so awesome you just won't understand until you experience it. It is awesome. A huge blessing. My body is being healed from the inside out.

All that being said I understand wanting a workout that you don't have to think about so much. For me at least it takes quite a commitment to T-Tapp, you have to think about it when you do it, it isn't like walking where you can daydream and have a conversation with a friend while doing it. It isn't even like weight lifting, the weights provide the resistance, you don't have to tighten that muscle on purpose and really think about it so hard to get good form. This is one reason Teresa says she doesn't use music in the video, there is just so much going on and so much to think about. This is why it is a left/right brain mind body workout. It is extremely comprehensive when done with proper form.

So, I totally get that the workout that works best is the one you will do. As much as I love T-Tapp and advocate it as a workout that in my humble opinion is something everyone should do at least a little of....I do use other things like walking and other fun stuff to get moving. A girl has gotta have fun too! But my personal choice for an actual weight loss workout is T-Tapp. The most fun thing about T-Tapp for me is how great it makes me feel!

In closing I want to say that I am renewing my T-Tapp effort. Now is a great time for me to do so seeing as I have my eating under control at long last. I don't have to focus on that so much anymore and I am getting much more sleep so I have much more energy for workouts. Good sleep is a must!

So Today, November 11, 2010. Mark that date down and I will show you just how many inches you can lose the T-Tapp way! I have a big goal set, I want to be at least a size 12 by our anniversary in March. The 16th to be exact. So I have exactly 3 months and 5 days to lose 4 sizes. Can I do it? We shall see. Will I be happy if I only make it to size 14 by that date? Of course! There is no telling what kinda healing my body has yet to do on the inside and I imagine it is a LOT. So, here we go! I will do the best I can and hope you enjoy joining me down this path to even better health and even more good habits!

Bad habits kicked since starting this blog:

Soda, I gave up soda! I used to drink 6 to 12 cans per day!

Sweets, I only have a treat on a special occasion or special outing and it is a reasonable amount. I used to eat several candy bars per day plus whatever other junk like pop tarts and cookies happened to be in the house! That was a lot of sugar! (and yet with T-Tapp, no diabetes, look at all that sugar I had with soda and sweets! WOW Thank God and Teresa Tapp for hoe downs!)

I get a decent nights sleep! I was staying up from 1 to 3 am every night! Now I go to bed anywhere from 10 to midnight. Not perfect but much better!

I have a better overall activity level throughout the day.

Fast Food! That is a thing of the past. I have it only on an extremely rare occasion! Most everything I eat now is homemade and I love it! I do love healthy food, what was I thinking eating so much fast food, I don't know.

Eating just to eat or when, sad, bored, having fun etc. I don't do that anymore! I eat when I am hungry and that is it!

So, you can see I have battled many demons and overcame many bad habits even more than are listed here. Thanks for being with me during this journey and joining me in my new challenge of consistent T-Tapp workouts. If you have any questions feel free to ask. :)

An unpleasant encounter...again...

2010-10-26T12:22:00.000-07:00

So, last night at the grocery store I ran into a lady my husband used to work with. I haven't seen her in ages, how big her daughter has gotten was a testimony to that fact.

I saw her 3 years ago, about the time my daughter died, she may have been at the funeral. I was smaller then and I had just had a baby as well.

Well, I was happy to see her and she liked seeing my kids and how big they have gotten. She obviously noticed how big I have gotten....she asked me about my pregnancy....

This has become a fairly common occurrence, people thinking I am pregnant.....I think I got used to just saying, "no, I'm not pregnant" without much emotion attached to it.

Then I see the look on her face.....a kinda awkward half smile, shocked, surprised "oh, I thought you were pregnant." Seeing her reaction I just stated feeling more emotional than usual, "no, not pregnant, I gained a lot of weight ever since Neveah died." Again with the "oh, and I thought..." you get the idea.

I don't think I am so upset about people thinking I am pregnant anymore because I know what I look like and I am working on it, I really am. I am doing the best I can. What bothers me is the look I get when they find out they are mistaken. Sometimes embarrassed which makes sense. Others shocked, they kinda give me the once over with a look of slight disgust, or curiosity....like what happened to her? Why doesn't she just do something about it already....she used to be so thin....my imagination can come up with a lot I'm sure.

That bothers me as I don't know what they are thinking, I try to give them the benefit of the doubt but their faces speak volumes. I know what it is like to be thin and wonder how fat can happen. I think I am seeing my current circumstance as a blessing, a way to know yet again what it is like to be in someone else's shoes and know that I don't know the whole story of how they got where they are or how they live, what they go through.

A little insight into the fact that not everyone who is fat chose to be that way. Most of them probably did not choose it. Some of them may have chosen to not care about what they eat, others may have a medical issue of some sort; maybe a thyroid problem, some of them maybe are doing all they can to lose weight and nothing is happening.....like with me. Noting is happening yet! But I haven't given up! Others still may have zero support, maybe they are all alone in life, or maybe they just lost someone and are eating to fill a void like I did unknowingly. Maybe they are so addicted to sugar that the withdrawals are too much to handle without a loving friend or family member to help them.

When people look at a fat person that seems to be all they see is a lazy fat person. Never mind that I work hard all day and raise my kids and exercise. Never mind that I don't drink soda or eat Snickers bars anymore. Never mind the torment that got me here in the first place and that no one around me noticed or said "Hey, you ok? You seem to be eating to feel better, need to talk? I am here for you, come to me next time you want to eat just to feel better."

How even people who saw me eat couldn't have sensed trouble...I'll never know. But, that is how it happened and I didn't know what I was doing for 2 whole years! By then I was so addicted to carbs and sugars and grease that it took me a whole year to wean off it all! I had no help, no motivation. I was depressed and still get that way a lot.

I work out, I do my best to eat right and I know how to lose weight. I'm not a dummy, I'm not like this by a choice to be lazy and eat whatever is in sight even though I know better. It was a series of events and choices to reach for comfort during a very uncomfortable time when I found comfort no where else. When I felt alone and desperate, I ate. I had fun sure, I had good days, sure. But slowly those things became second nature, habit. It was slowly becoming a habit to have a king size Snickers nightly with a soda water. It became normal to eat 3 or 4 pop tarts in the morning and wash it down with soda. It just became normal. And often, I would cry about it afterward and regret eating such things. Then I would want to eat again. You see, sugar literally makes you feel happy by increasing serotonin levels in the brain; but it is very short lived. That little spike it gives you doesn't last long so you have to keep on eating. Food is addictive.

I have broken free and have been totally free from it for at least six months now! That is a big accomplishment! But, can you see it when you look at me? No, you just see a fat person. Don't judge that which you do not understand. Offer love and support, not disgusted looks, this is a person in here under all this flesh....

So next time you see someone who is having a weight problem, don't' judge even if they are eating fast food. Maybe they have already lost several sizes and it is that oh so wonderful TREAT DAY! Or maybe they haven't had any fast food in a really long time and they caved then later they will be home alone crying about it. OR maybe just maybe they haven't yet gotten to that place where they are ready to lose weight. Losing weight stresses your life and your body the same way taking it on does....until you have walked a mile in their shoes...you don't know...

Emotions and thoughts I want to be free from.

2010-10-25T12:29:00.000-07:00

For two days I didn't do any working out or anything. I got really depressed and today is no exception on the emotional front. I just am still in shock I think of how big I am. I tried to workout today and I got SO worn out so fast. I am depressed by my body not moving like it used to. I used to love movement and now.....

I am tired of having to think about this. I am always thinking, "if I could just do this and stick with it for more than a week or two, if I didn't change my routine every few weeks..." If, if, IF!

If only I hadn't done this to myself to begin with, but alas, looking back doesn't help me at all so I try not to go there. At the same time old photos remind me of what my body is capable of. So, the past has two sides to it, one depressing and the other giving me hope.

Every day having to get dressed and live my day at this size causes me sadness. That leads to guilt for being this way to begin with then even worse, knowing I need to stop having a pity party because I truly am a blessed person who has more than so many do, my physical problem is one that is fixable and not dangerous or painful in extreme ways. So many others out there are so much worse off than I am so what am I complaining about? Makes me feel guilty that I just can't change a few habits and be happy. I need to get over it. I'm fat and that is me right now. Sucks but there it is. Crying over it sometimes is gonna happen but man I am sick of it.

I want to be free from the guilt. Free from the obsessing. Free from this whole thing.

Afternoon break going on right now.

2010-10-15T13:30:00.000-07:00

Well, today is going ok so far. I have eaten ok but I need to drink more water. Kids and I were outside working in the yard and it is rather warm in the sun today. I got so thirsty.

No workout yet but I WILL get it in today. I took yesterday off, I don't know why. I just ended up going to town by myself and shopping for groceries and going to buy some plants. So, I had a nice relaxing afternoon after housework in the morning, I had laundry to do the rest of the day and then in the evening we went out. I was just busy enjoying my time that working out didn't come to mind, and that is ok. I need days like that sometimes.

I feel like maybe I have lost some fat but that is making the lose skin thing more of an issue. So, I really need to keep up with drinking only water and taking my supplements and I really need to start skin brushing every day. I really get bored with that one but I know it will help. I don't want to be all flabby and bigger than I need to be all because of my skin, bleh. That is no fun.

Starting my day right.

2010-10-14T07:40:00.000-07:00

Now to keep it going! I have had this habit these past few years of drinking something other than water with my breakfast, during the soda years it was soda, then once I kicked the soda habit it was iced tea. I kept thinking, why can't I manage to drink only water all day like I used to? That is my goal as it helps my energy, elimination, and weight loss so much. but no matter how hard I tried I just haven't been able to get there with this habit.

Well the other day I told myself that was it that no matter what I was eating or when water would be my beverage. I ALMOST caved and had a glass of iced tea with stevia herb in it and I managed to talk myself out of it. I told myself if you still really gotta have it after eating and drinking at least one glass of water you can...(sometimes telling myself no makes me cave in so, let's not be so strict).

Well, here I am on my third glass of water and still no iced tea. I feel good, I think the key here is to start the day the right way and the rest will follow much better. :)

Keep my eye on the prize?

2010-10-12T21:28:00.000-07:00

Today as I was grocery shopping and thus considering all my food options all the while considering my strict budget. One thing I realize that should make this easier is homemade food is cheaper, so that is a plus!

But, I also found myself thinking in this manner..."if I could just eat this for lunch every day, and this for breakfast, make a good healthy family supper then the weight would just fall off and I will be small again in no time" When I thought this I found myself thinking about being size six again so much that I think it has become self defeating. They say keep your eye on the prize so you don't forget why you are doing what you are doing. I think that is great, but I'm afraid it has lessened the enjoyment of this journey and life in general. It is too much at the size I am now to think of being that much smaller. It takes time, many months of hard work to get close to such a goal.

At the same time, I don't want to lose sight of the goal, I don't want to think of myself as "I'm not that bad off, least I exercise. I shouldn't think too hard about what I eat because it is too stressful, too hard." Sometimes that kind of thinking gets me into trouble too, not gaining weight but not losing it either.

Well, I think I have had yet another personal revelation. I know personal revelations don't sound all that grand to people who don't understand exactly how you feel or what you are thinking, but for the person having it it means a lot.

Last time I had a personal revelation I gave up a 3 year habit of drinking massive amounts of soda water! Maybe it isn't a revelation, just an understanding something more about my own current line of thinking or way of living, an understanding of myself and what will make this work for me right now.

So, for me today I realized I have been way to caught up on the size six. Sure I still want that and I have a goal date for it and everything (our anniversary March 16, 2011). And I have other goals along the way, they say goal setting is a must, it is good, it works. Well, sure, but maybe not for me? Maybe not for everyone? Hasn't helped me any, it gets me kinda down in the dumps sometimes. I see how far I have to go and the lifestyle change doesn't seem worth it anymore. :P No fun.

All this to say my new way of thinking is that I have decided I want to live this way. I want to eat this and not that, I want to exercise like I have been and keep on doing it for life. I don't ever want to quit again or allow myself to eat for emotional reasons ever again. Do I want treats on birthdays and Christmas? Sure, but do I want a treat ever week? Eh, not so much. I want to live healthy. Do I want to be obsesive about it and feel guilty if I ever eat some rich dessert? No, I want to enjoy my food always whether it is celery or cheesecake I will make it myself and enjoy it.

I am a big believer and user of natural remedies and health and healing with food. I want to start living it again, completely and fully and not just halfway. I want to live what I believe. Practice what I preach, and enjoy every minute of it even now at size 20; and then at size 18, and 16, and 14 all the way down to size 6 and everything in between. I don't want to have it stuck in my head that I cannot be happy until that almost miracle like thought of a size six gets here. I want to look in the mirror and enjoy the journey, the process, the learning, and the possibility to later help others during their own journey.

I am tired of living like I just cannot and will not until .... someday. I don't want to make excuses and have this illusion that all will be easier just because of my size being smaller. I just want to feel good, I want to do what I love and love what I do. I want to make the right choices right now. I don't want to use food for comfort or fun. It isn't entertainment it is nutrition, it is healing, it is for my body to thrive. I want to thrive.

Feeling good.

2010-10-10T14:26:00.000-07:00

Well, I still don't know if I lost any inches as I still cannot find my tape measure. :/

Oh well, I know I feel better and my stomach does feel different. That is a big deal. Last night I had to carry in two five gallon water jugs and one three gallon and it was really easy compared to usual. That is what one week of consistency can do! I can't wait to see what two weeks, then four, then a few months! I can't imagine how great I will feel a month from now, amazing I am sure! :D

Today I did a sequence of T-Tapp moves that really target the core muscles (my target area of concern as a short torso), you can see the moves listed here on the forum: http://forum.t-tapp.com/showthread.php?p=772278#post772278

It really kicked my rear into gear! It was tough! I'm sure the fact that I have a lot of weight to lose makes it really tough for me with some things but that's ok. Just so long as I don't over do it. Like I did 4 reps on some things instead of the usual 8 that is typical in a T-Tapp workout. But, I did each move with the best form I possibly could holding in those abs tight, tight, tight, knee to little toe and all that great T-Tapp form stuff. It felt good and it is nice to mix it up a little from the typical BWO+, it was fun. :)

Day 98, I think...

2010-10-07T11:50:00.000-07:00

Well, I never did keep track of how many days it has been since starting despite my effort too. I just kinda forgot and realized I don't necessarily come here to write every single day.

So, let's try keeping track of weeks. Seems to me though that I haven't come that far with inch loss in these past 7 weeks. Kinda sad really. I have been working hard and improving every day with my eating and workout habits. I am thinking maybe more water is needed and my body plain has had a lot of healing to do. Sometimes it is those unseen things that are going on inside that make a difference in how you feel but not necessarily how you look right away. I am trying to keep that in mind because I feel good, really good. I feel strong and fit, I just don't see that in the mirror yet at all.

One thing I think that has really held me back with my inch loss is my sleep debt. I have been getting to bed earlier and earlier but I will find myself starting to fall asleep on the couch. I think I just went way too long sleeping so little that it is like my body is catching up on all that great healing that could have been taking place had I been sleeping enough. That is a big thing, we need sleep so badly and it is such a simple thing. I don't know how I thought it worth it to stay up so late every night for so long. Add on top of that the times the kids have woken me up every night for many years and you have one tired lady! :P

Oh well, things are moving in the right direction. Today is one week since I got my treadmill and it feels like a milestone to me. I was actually going to measure my waistline and other target areas but I couldn't find my tape measure, maybe it will turn up later.

Since getting the treadmill I have been very consistent with my working out, just check out my new list to the left. Yeah, I have even written them down. I guess I feel really proud of them and it is a boost whenever I see it now. Feels good to write down another workout, another 30 minutes on that treadmill and at the end of a week I can add up how long I worked out. Maybe I am turning into a record keeper! I could consider this blog my workout journal. :)

This week my improvements have been more sleep, more homemade food. More consistent workouts and logged 135 minutes in workouts.

Pondering my habits and other tidbits.

2010-10-04T12:37:00.000-07:00

So, today as I was eating lunch I was thinking about food, of course, and as usual going over my habits with a fine tooth comb. I have been thinking a lot about my habits and how they all fit together to make the big picture of my life. How even my sleep patterns, work habits and everything fit into how healthy I am.

I found myself wishing that healthy food was something that already happened automatically when I reach for something to eat. But, healthier food as with anything worth it sometimes takes more work that unhealthy food. I am trying to always remember how much work it takes to work off that unhealthy stuff. I'll have more time for cooking if I'm not so worried about getting healthy. So, healthy eating usually means cooking. Not that I'm not used to cooking, sure I am. But used to making everything from scratch? It has been a few years, more than three actually so, that is a habit I need to get back into. Homemade dressing, homemade bread and homemade everything sure taste better, keeps me moving more in the form of house work (trust me, cooking and cleaning can keep you warm in your core which burns calories, especially during our super hot summers), and it also keeps me thin.

It will be nice to just be healthy and be living instead of having this chore of a lifestyle change to make happen. Having babies and stressful hard times sure did cause a huge roller coaster in my life.

But, I think I am starting to enjoy making new habits a little more than I was before. I have my new treadmill, that has helped just like I thought it would. I have been moving more every day and loving it. I have more energy too!

I am also contemplating cleansing more. I'm not sure. I have added in some raw, unrefined organic coconut oil to my daily supplements to help kill off yeast in my colon and it is already making a big difference in that area. So, happy with that. I need to remember to take my probiotics with each meal to repopulate my intestines with good bacteria. But, I am thinking about having more green drinks and such to cleanse even more. We will see. I will probably roll with that the next few days and see how I do.

As always thanks for joining me on my journey. :)

October 3: on my sleep habits

2010-10-03T12:50:00.000-07:00

Well, these past few days I haven't been feeling very good. Not exactly how I wanted to start out with a brand new treadmill in the house but I have walked on it some anyway. But, I have also rested a LOT more than I normally do. I think my body needs it, is screaming for it actually.

One of the bad habits I have had over these past three years, that got increasingly worse, has been staying up late. Sometimes really late. Then I of course can't sleep unless I have a baby sitter, (ie: my mother) come over to sit with the children.

So, I have been burning the night oil and going and going all day every day only now to find myself wiped out and my body showing all the signs lack of sleep.

I have been finally getting to bed a little sooner every night. This has helped, I feel my body healing some. I don't know if anyone here knows about cortisol and sleep and how much higher this stress hormone is if you don't get enough sleep....but I tell ya, I can feel it. My lack of sleep over the years definitely contributed to my weight gain (cortisol packs the fat on in your midsection) as well as keeping your running on adrenaline all day every day which wears out your adrenal glands which stresses your thyroid....ugh.

It is kinda sad I can know these things yet do it anyway. But, that is the past and it was only for a time. My bad habits in a way did help me through a hard time but it is time to let them go. ALL of them, including staying up late at night.

I see myself having a lot more energy for walking now that I am getting more sleep and I really look forward to it.

Old habits like to tempt me.

2010-10-01T22:19:00.000-07:00

As far as I have come, as happy I am to not be drinking soda water and eating tons of sugar....those old feelings do come back now and again, feelings of want and need for sugar, food, snacks, numbing myself. It is hard. A journey such as this from where I came from and why, what happened to me and what I did to myself, habits I made that now I have to fight to break.....is not a journey to be taken lightly. This isn't just a diet or a way of eating. I have done those things with fair ease before now, before I experienced real pain and tragedy, sure, I have done a diet, a healthy life plan and it was easy. Now, it is hard.

I am facing a hard few days here, and more in the future I am sure. I don't know if tomorrow will be another, they can come at any time. For me this is more than just an eating plan, a workout plan, and a forming of healthy habits. It isn't know how I lack, I know how to lose weight, sure. This is a practice in leaning on my God instead of myself or the pleasures of this world. This is a practice in leaning on my family: husband, kids, parents, etc instead of leaning on food. This is trusting that I can make it through a day without gorging on something tasty just for the heck of it. I know how to lean on something other than food but it now takes effort to do so, I used to do it without thinking about it but now I know how quickly something you count on can be taken away. It changes you. Death changes lives and it sure changed mine in a huge way. I know in the end it will be for the better but I have to over come what is first.

These thoughts of food as comfort, they shock me. My past is filled with fitness and health, sports and dance, grace and beauty, thinness and happiness. How I got here, to the land of the overweight, seems almost unreal.

My reality now is still filled with joy and good times and also a knowing of what is real, an understanding of true pain and mourning, death, loss, and the ultimate triumph in moving on...but, yet, there is difficulty.

All the wisdom or understanding I may have gained through my pain can find me yet again in the depths of despair wishing I could just eat a whole bag of cookies and forget. Not have to think about it anymore. Not have to learn anymore or admit the reality of a world that is not perfect, not as perfect as I had hoped it was in my younger years. Those grand delusions of my youth are laughable but in the end necessary to get me to where I am as an adult.

But I must keep going. I cannot, WILL NOT, PLAIN DO NOT WANT TO GO BACK to depending on food! I am weak, I try to be strong. Only my Lord can get me there. It is easy to sit, to eat, to indulge...it is fun to drink and be merry....but...it is much more profitable for me to exercise, not just restraint with food choices, but a turning away from this lust of my flesh. Yes, lust, I know most people think that means something sexual but it means more than that for that is not the type of lust I struggle with....I struggle with the desire to eat more than my portion, more than my body needs to be healthy so I can numb myself. Numb myself so that I do not have to deal with it, to try to make the painful emotions just go away. But I know that is silly, I am shocked I ever did eat to make myself feel better but the desire to turn back to that is strong. It is a weakness, a weakness of my flesh I must overcome.

The spirit indeed is willing but the flesh is weak.....so true...I have hope, hope that someday, maybe a few months from now, a year....who knows. But someday, my new healthy habits will be the ones that give me comfort. It will happen. If I can succeed day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute it will be a reality and I will be free. Free from this weakness and able to just enjoy life and not worry SO much about what I eat. Someday the good food will once again be what I naturally turn to. I will keep turning to what feeds my body and heals it, what makes it feel good and keeps me healthy....hard as it is I will keep on.

No good at lists...

2010-09-29T21:22:00.000-07:00

So I have this list on the side of my blog because I had this brilliant idea that I would actually type in all of the workouts I do......heh, LOL....yeah right!

I'm not a record keeper! I have to keep records for our personal finances and my tiny hobby of a home based business. But to do it for something like a food journal, or an exercise journal, or even when I was a kid I didn't keep up with a diary or anything.

I guess I will plug in anything I remember when I check in but I cannot promise that I list every workout I do. Maybe someday soon I will get more into writing each one down. Maybe when I see some more progress I will get all excited again and feel a huge need to share every little accomplishment on paper or in this blog and on face book just to have a record. I mean, I like the idea and all, it is a good one. I have been very encouraged and inspired by peoples success stories who wrote down every single workout, every time they skin brushed or maybe wrote down every morsel of food they ate. To me that turns it into work and even obsession with it. So, I can't write it ALL down. I will write some of it down, a great deal of it but I can't say it will all be here or anywhere in writing. Just not my thing, doesn't work for me. Doesn't help me. Sometimes it has hindered me to keep a food journal.

So, I will just stick with what works and what works for me and what keeps me going is sharing my thoughts and feelings through this journey.

And while it is nice to see my workouts all listed I will just not come and jot it down every single time, then I may forget it happened and never write it some of them down. And that is ok, so long as I am doing them! That is what counts. You will more than likely hear of it if there was something significant about a particular workout. Maybe I had to work through a lot of emotions before I got my rear in gear. That is what helps me, writing out those feelings. They kept me trapped for a long time and so I always have this need to get them down on paper.

If I can't sleep, sometimes I just write and write then I rip it up and throw it away. It is like a huge relief to get those thoughts out.

So, yeah. I guess this blog is just for me. That is kinda the point. I need it, it wouldn't be here otherwise. Anyone who joins me here is really awesome for doing so. Thanks. :)

Random stuff....

2010-09-21T14:50:00.000-07:00

First I feel bad I didn't do as well as I liked when my husband was off of work. That is a bummer. That is going to be my new biggest challenge. I don't know what causes this but I need to figure it out, quick! I have three more days until he is off again. :P

I feel great about my new exercise video. I have used a gym ball/exercise ball before. I even bounced on it during my first home birth! I didn't get how that could feel good until I did it, didn't feel good with the next birth but, they are all different.

Anyway, I used an exercise ball last time I lost weight and the WONDERFUL soreness now plaguing my abs reminded me of just why it worked so well! :) So, today is day two "on the ball" I will still of course do T-Tapp, I am a tapper for life. I just don't think I can be consistent enough to use it for massive weight loss. It keeps my spine in alignment and me out of pain while really just working my body ALL over. But, it is hard, very hard. Not just physically hard but mentally. It takes a lot of mental focus and I think that after three years of chronic stress, emotional eating, and DH and I working through the loss of a child...my brain is plain tired.

What I love about the ball workout is that it challenges my core SO much forcing me to use all those little deep down muscles you don't normally use and at the same time; I find it relaxing This is a big deal and it is almost mesmerizing. I love it, it makes me feel so good. So, when I want to really challenge my mind, body and get major lymphatic pumping and neuro-kinetic flow I will T-Tapp, when I need to relax in my mind but challenge my body to the max as well I will do that with my exercise ball. And when I really just need to MOVE but don't want to think about anything at all too much, maybe I am in a slump; then I will walk, and I will walk every single day (when I get my treadmill in a week or two!) no matter whether I have done another workout or not that day.

Now off the topic of exercise a little for a tad more baring of my emotional soul here. As I worked out today I caught myself in the mirror, that is on the ceiling of our living room.... This was both depressing and motivating, discouraging and encouraging, left me feeling despairingly pathetic and very determined at the same time. I may need to cry a little but then I need to stop and just keep on going....

T-Tapp workout names.

2010-09-15T14:17:00.000-07:00

I know in my list of T-Tapp workouts I used a lot of abbreviations and such so I don't have to write the whole workout name down, but most people don't know what those stand for. Thought I would give a list of the names and abbreviations I use for them so if you are checking out my completed workouts you know what you are looking at.

MORE is a DVD containing five different T-Tapp workouts. I usually specify which one that is like today was SATI more version meaning "step away the inches more version"

BWO+ is Basic Workout Plus. There is a tempo version I often do that I label BWO+T

SATI is Step Away the Inches a 20 minute stepping workout.

TWO which I don't hardly ever do as it is still too difficult for me is Total Workout, the complete 45 minute workout.

That is pretty much all I ever use I think so there you have it. Hope that clears up any confusion.

Day 28- Really baring my soul here today.

2010-09-14T08:21:00.000-07:00

I posted on facebook last night that I have kinda had it with the baby steps. In the past two months I have made such huge improvements in my eating by taking it one little step at a time. I am happy with where the baby steps have gotten me and that is, I think I am really finally ready to tackle this weight head on and not look back. I no longer feel totally controlled by my food, if I have a treat I usually think, eh, it didn't taste THAT good. I don't really need to do that again.

And despite giving up soda, no longer eating tons of candy especially not every time I am upset, only eating when I am hungry, eating much more homemade foods, veggies and drinking green drinks...I haven't lost any inches.

So, I am ready. I am so ready. I have somewhere to go with my husband in October and want to feel nice darn it. Confident. See I don't ask for much, I just want to be making progress and seeing progress. I know that once that happens I will later reach my goal size and then I can just keep firming up, weight loss will no longer be such a huge part of my day or concern. I can just...live my life! A healthy happy life!

I heard an old song last night, I think that lit a fire under me. I don't know how to explain that. It brought back so many memories. It simply was a song I listened to a lot as a teen. I was a very happy teen, very thin, athletic. I loved figure skating, biking, dancing, working hard in the hot sun. I loved it all, I was young and loving life. I was very active. I married young at 19 and that is when I first gained weight (though I would love to be that size now! LOL) having to give up much of my costly hobbies and cooking lots of great meals for my new husband. I loved and still love being married, wouldn't trade it for a thing. I'm not really very vain. I have been in the past and I regret that. But my weight has gotten to a point where I don't feel normal anymore. I am embarrassed to be in public and am just plain uncomfortable in my clothing unless it is big and stretchy. Being self-conscious is not fun. I like to try to think on the things of others and serve my family and the selfishness that caused the weight and the "self" consciousness are just things I am not proud of and that need to go.

Yes, for two years I don't think I even realized I was eating so much or why I was doing it...

Anyway...listening to that song last night I cried, and I cried. It was strange. I don't miss being a teen, heaven's no, LOL. That wasn't it. It was that I remembered something of who I am that is still a part of me, I thought about all the things I want to do with my kids, I remembered my sweet 2 year old angel in heaven and how much I miss her but how much fun we did have together while she was here. I was happy while she was here, totally happy. I love my other two kids so much and they truly have been such a source of strength with their joyful faces greeting me every day, they didn't know their big sister, one was just a newborn at the time. Some of these feelings I know (thankfully) most people can't begin to comprehend, a child dying isn't something that is easily understood by most, I sure didn't understand what it would feel like before it happened.

Try as I might to stop it, life kept going and it keeps going. The happy times I have had since she died are truly a blessing and a miracle. For us as a family to come out of this in one piece is a miracle that I certainly don't take for granted.

I know, this seems weird, but as I was listening to this song last night, my life sorted just played out in my mind. I saw very clearly where I have been, relived the horrors as well as the many happy times. I saw where I am now and where I am going and what I need to do to get there. I remembered what I was able to accomplish before we lost our sweet girl, that I can do things and I can still do those things now. I do love where I am now in life...I really do, as a mother and a wife. I love the Lord and still put my trust in him. He has taken away much pain for me. Before starting this blog I really learned how to give things over to him, really and truly during a partial fast, "The Daniel Fast". It was eye opening, well more like heart opening! I know that sounds really cheesy but it is true. No I didn't lose any weight doing that either! Don't know why really, I think God was teaching me something. I learned a lot about how much more important the inner beauty is and that this body is just that, a body I live in for now but it is his temple and I need to start taking better care of it.

Anyway, all this to say that I feel different. I feel ready to eliminate all the bad foods from my daily life and commit to exercising more consistently. I want to change my life here. There are things here and there I am not happy with, lost things that I want to do and learn. I have so many things I would love to be doing and it is time to lift this burden of weight from them so they can happen more readily.

I feel I have the will to do it. That is scary to say because that old fear of failure does still crop up and I'm not saying it will be easy. Far from it, these first few days are gonna be rough as my body adjusts to how I am going to feed it and move it. But I'm gonna do it!

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." :)

Day 25, September 11, 2010

2010-09-11T06:57:00.000-07:00

When I woke up this morning I was stiff, very stiff. I have been playing around with the idea of working out in the morning before the family wakes up. This would also require that I get to bed a little sooner which is also good for weight loss anyway.

Well, I kept thinking this morning that I am so stiff, I am NOT a morning person. What am I thinking. So, today despite being tired I went ahead and did a primary back stretch (stretch is a funny word for it, it is a stretch but also a back exercise). Takes about 5 minutes and it aligns your spine and stretches it, strengthens it. This move has given me amazing healing over the years from chronic back pain so it is a great way to start the day, loosen up, and get that blood moving and toxins moving out too. Well, I did it! I am not nearly as stiff now but I felt a tad lightheaded afterward so I didn't do a workout but it is a start. I'll get my workout in later today and report back.

Gotta go, my toddler wants to be held. :D

The capsules filled with the powdered mud.

2010-09-10T11:23:00.000-07:00

So I got out my little capsule filler and started putting all those disgusting packets into them and figured out how many capsules I have to take five times a day to equal five of those packets as per the directions on the bowel cleanse.

I have to take 11 capsules five times a day to equal five packets! Yep, 55 capsules per day! In five days I will have taken 275 of these babies. WOW! That doesn't even count the one Intestinal formula #1 capsule I have to take every day. I have to take at least one of them per day after dinner to help keep all the junk moving out of my system as well as the formula #2 herbs moving out. See, formula two is filled with a lot of stuff that expands to clean the walls of your colon, things like bentonite clay, activated charcoal, psyllium seeds, and slippery elm. So formula #1 is to get all that moving with herbs like senna leaf, cascara sagrada and more. One thing I love about this program right off the bat is I know what all this stuff is! Nice, I like to know what is going in my body.

So as I wait for more capsules to come in I am going to continue to take one capsule of formula #1 until I get more in and make them. Then I will move on to taking the whopping 55 formula #2 capsules per day!

If you are interested in this stuff and what to know more about what it is you can see it all at www.herbdoc.com I'm using the 5 day bowel detox though he does have 30 day programs. (I am not affiliated with herbdoc in any way)

Day 24

2010-09-10T08:20:00.001-07:00

Well, depite only taking one of those nasty little packets I have already noticed a difference in how I feel and .... ahem...eliminations. So, I am positive this cleanse will work once I get it in capsules. I will continue with the Intestinal formula #1 as that one is in capsules and then I will start up with formula #2 asap. Thankfully you can start with one anyway if you need to. Just according to the directions I didn't "need" to so I was gonna go straight into step two like it said. But, because I care barely swallow this glop without hurling I will just take a step back and do the usual cleanse prep work first via taking formula one.

Last night my dear husband told me about a local event we used to frequent that he wants to go to again this year....I'm nervous! It is on the 2nd and I really really don't want to get dressed in my best shirt and faded jeans and go out like this. I am so uncomfortable in my own skin. I have no idea if I can get any smaller in that short amount of time but I'm gonna try. I just am not excited at all about going due to sheer embarrassment of how I look. So it is a little depressing while at the same time I hope it lights a fire under me to take this to a new level.

So, I have roughly 21 days until I have to get dressed up. 21 days to get a little slimmer and find something halfway nice looking to wear. I am blessed with what I do have, I hate to complain. At least I would love for my nicest shirt to fit over my stomach better! A little more breathing room and fitting back into my black dress pants would be nice. They are way too tight right now. So, sigh.

I have been working so hard on the baby steps with my eating habits I have let exercise fall to the wayside...again. Such a shame. But, time to suck it up and move on from that. It has only been a week since I worked out but that is too long! :P

Day 23

2010-09-09T11:22:00.000-07:00

Well, today is day 23 of the beginning of this journey and this blog. And it is day one of my cleanse.

I have already hit a snag but not to worry, I have a solution too! I went and ordered the packets of the herbal blend you mix with water and juice thinking there was no way I could swallow so many pills in a day. Well, I am regretting that decision. The clay and other stuff in the herbal packet just has this texture to it and it starts to settle at the bottom of the glass so fast. I either have to chug it or keep shaking it and either way it is very hard to get down. No way is this gonna happen five times a day for five days. BLEH GAG

So, thankfully this is a packet of powder which I can capsule and I just happen to own a capsule filler! So, I ordered more empty capsules as I was running low and I am going to use up the ones I have here which hopefully will last until the others get here. Sure it is more work and more money but it is much easier than choking down a glob that feels like mud going down.

More later.

September 8.

2010-09-08T21:48:00.000-07:00

Well, it has been a whole five days since I have posted anything here. I am not really surprised as it seems anytime my husband is off work I don't get on the computer very much.

Not too much has happened since last time. I have continued to make small changes in my eating habits, that may not sound like anything impressive to every reader but it is a big deal because the new habits are sticking. Sure I could change everything all at once but I would probably only get 1 day to 1 week of eating perfect and then go back to old ways feeling overwhelmed and my body in shock from the new lifestyle.

But, I have learned a lot about healthy eating over the years and I now realize how much it matters where you are in life. Back when I had only been "unhealthy" (not eating perfect for just a year or so, not much stress at all, no major losses in life like I have now suffered from, life was easier so it was easier on my body. I didn't have as many bad habits, so not as much to change. It hadn't been as long since I had been thin, so it took less time to get back to thin.

Now it has been over three years, almost four since the last time I was anywhere near my goal size. It has been 3 years and five months since I would consider myself a healthy person with healthy habits. It is exactly that amount of time since I suffered a sudden loss of a child and much chronic stress followed after the grief that still remains. I have had another child since then as well. And now, as God leads me back to a life much more bearable, I see now that it is taking a lot of healing inside and out, emotionally and physically to get back to being a truly healthy person.

So, yes, each little change I make is a big deal right now, it is one less thing to deal with. One less craving to endure. The fact that I am not just making new habits but my cravings are leaving me is truly amazing and I couldn't be more grateful! :D

Tomorrow I will do something I have never had a chance to do! I have read about cleansing many times over the years but when I first learned of it I was pregnant, it is not recommended while pregnant or nursing and I have been one, the other, or both for over five years and 5 months! So, I finally get to do a cleanse and boy do I need it! I can't wait to start.

So, for the next five days I will be doing this cleanse: https://www.herbdoc.com/index.php?option=com_oscommerce&osMod=product_infoNew&products_id=22&Itemid=42

It is a five day cleanse and that is what I chose to start with. It is the easiest cleanse I know of and I would like to follow it up later with another one and also some liver and kidney cleanses.

So I will do my best to post my experience with this cleanse, how I am feeling, what is happening and what it does and doesn't do for me.

What I love is I know all the ingredients and a great deal about some, only a little about others but wow, this should pack a punch! These are great ingredients. And only five days, I know, but the 30 day program was a bit too pricy for me. Besides this I will try to do my skin brushing twice a day to help move along any trapped toxins and keep to drinking mainly just water and a tad black tea if any soda craving comes sneaking up. No sugar for sure. Been doing pretty good with this even if not perfect I have improved leaps and bounds with this no sugar goal!

I will do some workouts despite being on a cleanse. I will try to keep my morning and noon meals light and eat whatever I have cooked for the family at supper time. I will stave off of some of my other supplements like alfalfa and what not as I don't think I should take them all at the same time. I want to let this 5 day blend do it's duty then get to a strict regimen of my usual supplements.

So here I go, first thing in the AM it will begin. :D

A bump in the road

2010-09-03T08:22:00.001-07:00

I have another bad habit I am trying to break, and that is not doing much exercise when my DH is off work! This is such a hindrance seeing as he works shifts, 4 days on 4 off. So I get four days in a row very often where I tend to not want to workout. I need to work on this. It is a toughie, old habits die hard. This one doesn't want to budge and I gave into it without even realizing it! But now I have and I just move on.

I don't know what it is about a woman's schedule that gets so off kilter when the man of the house is home. I hear other women say it too, "I can't get anything done when he is home."

I think I need to simply change my thinking, be diligent and admit I need to suck it up and do it no matter who is around. If I have to I will find the time to do it before he wakes up or after he goes to bed. Maybe when he is out for an errand. Either way I have to do it at those times whether I feel like it or not. And really, 3 T-Tapp workouts a week. Like Teresa says "yes you can!" YES I CAN.

My upcoming birthday.

2010-09-01T00:47:00.000-07:00

I realized it is only 57 days until I turn 28! That just plain sounds really old compared to 27, I don't know why. But, no matter. I just was thinking, I wonder what goal I can reach by my birthday! What a great gift to myself, a more fit lean body with more energy! YAY That would be awesome.

I think my first goal to reach is to fit into this pair of pants I recently bought. I bought them in the size I wear but, this company must run smaller than what I normally buy! Same size, but a whole 4 waist inches until they fit! Holy cow!

Really makes me wonder about how much the fashion industry is deceiving us, I mean a size 12 used to be considered itty bitty now it is a 6 that is small? What the heck...ah....I barely remember fitting into a six...seems like an eternity ago. LOL

oh well, I will be happy with fitting into these pants by my birthday a "TALBOTS SIZE 16 W" which please note is MUCH smaller than the BEALLS size 16W I currently can get into! Go figure!

Can't wait to reach my goal, and prayerfully/hopefully by the 27 of October! :D

One of those days.

2010-08-30T15:13:00.000-07:00

I knew it would get here. A day of feeling discouraged and really bummed out. I'm so tired of worrying about my weight. I want it gone, it has been here dragging me down for so long, I need it gone. I really do.

And when I feel like this I get a twinge of hopelessness that causes me to want to quit.

On a positive note, that feeling isn't severe as it usualy is. I still get depressed when I have trouble keeping shirts covering my big stomach but I don't have such a huge desire to not try.

I really, really, really didn't want to even try to workout today. I am feeling really down about my shape and size so much so that I really cannot fully explain the loathing I had for the idea of putting that DVD in and getting moving.

I LOVE to move, but my weight makes me HATE it. So many things I try that I just cannot do because of my size. It is hard to go to move in a way that I used to, a way that felt great, a stretch a dance an exercise move.....whatever it is, I get stopped because of my stomach weight (that is where I carry most of it). I can't get off the floor as easy as I used it, I feel sooo heavy when I go to stand up. Man that gets me down in the dumps.

I just want it gone!

Despite these bad feelings I did push play, I didn't finish, I got too tired to keep going. But I tried! I got moving and did as much as I could! That counts for something right? I'm creating habits here, and putting that DVD in even when I really didn't want to is a good habit to make. So, par for the course, just one of those days. I'll try to workout tomorrow too seeing as it wasn't a complete workout today.

I am a tad sore yet from my last workout and from some work I have done here at home. I pulled an arm muscle, but not so bad I can't move it, it just hurts.

I'll keep on keeping on and keep creating new habits and taking baby steps. Trying to focus on what I have done already.

Maybe I will do something fun for more exercise today. That sounds like a good idea.

As far as eating goes same ole same ole. Still off the soda but have maybe had one since going off of it but I didn't even enjoy it. That is a GREAT sign. Keeps me from having another!

But, I would like to eat to a point of perfection (or as close as I can get). I am just not feeling happy today and thinking that if my waist doesn't drop and inch soon, I'm gonna get really depressed. I need to see some progress and not just in my habits. All these good new habits and nothing showing on that tape measure yet is discouraging to say the least. If I hit week two with nothing, I will feel sad. I would like to think I would be even more determined but I know me, I will get a little down about it.

So, we shall see. I just needed to vent all that out today. Thanks for bearing with me and my downer of a day.

Glad I have my great kids here with me! They bring me joy! :)

My workout today.

2010-08-28T14:00:00.000-07:00

Well, I did the Basic Workout Plus Tempo (BWO+T) and whew! That is harder in a whole different way then the MORE version. It is so amazing how just changing speed, number of reps, and a few little difference in form (even some that just happen due to the different tempo)....well it just all really surpises my muscles and my body into thinking I am doing something totally different. Actually it is almost all the same moves! Just a form tweek here, a little faster here and boom, HARDER!

I try not to do the same workout every single week, even though they are all T-Tapp, because that way my muscles don't get too use to something. On top of that it keeps my mind from getting bored too! My muscle memory has to start thinking again and remembering new stuff again when I change it up. I have found this to be great for my motivation.

I think it is possible that sticking with the same workout for months and months made me just get so bored and frustrated that I stopped.....no, I know that it is possible because that is what happened!

Some people maybe will be different, this is just me I am talking about, and figuring out the way your own body and mind (even emotions) respond best is key to success. I truly believe that! We are all different!

Well, that was a good sweat and I was so glad to have my PG Spray and B-12 spray to help me along! Whether it is all in my head or not I do seem to have more endurance when I use them. Now I am enjoying a tall glass of water with a drop of grapefruit essential oil! YUM, I can feel the excess fluid drain from my fingers already! On top of that my fingers are tingling with that awesome neuro kinetic flow you will often hear Teresa talk about on her videos, and my spine is warm all the way up which feels great!

:D

Day 11

2010-08-28T11:17:00.000-07:00

Day 11 already! WOW, that first week flew by.

I'm not sure yet how I want to approach this week. Three days into it already I know, but I get my best thinking and hard work stuff done on DH's work days, and he just went back today! So, it is down to business for me.

I have some goal lists to write up, it is workout day today. I must get a workout in. I did my three last week!

So, goals I am keeping up with so far! YAY!

1. weaned myself off of soda! WOO! That is HUGE for me, you have no idea how HUGE that is. Long time ago I drank one once in awhile but for two years almost it was 6-12 cans a day! I'm not ashamed to say it now as I'm done with that. I have conquered that addiction! I'm sure situations will arise but the craving is gone. I went into a gas station the other day and I didn't buy one. That is a big deal, use to be it was like yay a gas station I can get a soda. NO MORE

2. I got in my three workouts! I just gotta keep that up. Today is workout day, I think I may do Basic Workout Plus Tempo today instead of MORE just to keep it fresh!

3. I did dry skin brush 3 times last week, so that habit is forming. 3 times is better than no times. Gonna tighten and soften that skin, move out those toxins! :)

4. I didn't have a candy bar every evening! This has been a bad habit for a long time, a chocolate bar every night when watching TV with my dear husband. No, I don't know why he didn't stop me, I guess he felt bad for me. :( So, that habit is diminishing. You will hear the shout when it is conquered like the soda one. :D

5. I have been cooking more and not eating out hardly at all. I don't really know why I got into the eat out habit so badly. It is certainly expensive. I think part of it was I feel sad, miss my girl, I wanna cry, get me a burger stat. :P But, this isn't a habit anymore.

SO, I suppose the biggest thing is I don't turn to food for comfort anymore. The urge is still there, I have to fight that comfort zone of going to food but it is immeasurably better than it was even last month, it is like a miracle.

Despite no inches lost in my tummy yet, my outlook is great. I feel great and I feel like I can do this. I don't' feel so desperate. I know that this weight isn't here to stay and it won't be long, I can just feel it. :D

Day 8

2010-08-25T22:20:00.000-07:00

As far as workouts go, off day again. I know this seems strange but it works! With T-Tapp, it works. I will keep on keeping on. Consistency is key, I will workout at LEAST 3 times this week just like last. I am keeping better posture throughout the day, ribs up! Feeling great. My craving for soda is GONE!

My DH asked if I wanted him to pick me up a soda (he didn't know I had sweared off of it) and I without even a twinge said "NOPE, don't even ask me that. I don't want it." YAY! :D

That has been a horrible, terrible, fattening, life draining habit for too long and I am more than happy to kick it! NO MORE SODA! YAY!

I have no cravings right now, none. I still have many baby steps to go but this step of no soda. That is a GIANT step for me even though it is only one thing, a really giant step in the right direction. Next stop, no more candy! Can you feel it? I CAN!

Day 7

2010-08-24T23:06:00.001-07:00

Well, a whole week has flown by. I took the day off of exercise which was lovely. I still did my skin brushing and drank my green juice this morning. That is a new habit I am thrilled to be forming. No inches gone yet but I am so happy with how I feel and that I am making progress! It feels good, it feels right.

I would type more but it is LATE! I need more sleep! Today was husband's day off work so I don't use the computer as much but I wanted to make sure and post something.

One week is a big deal! Reminds me of a lot of things to be posting here, why I am doing it, that the time passes quickly no matter the choices, the choice to workout one day will add up over time just as easy as the choice to sit on the couch. I just gotta keep making those good choices.

Well, tired tired, must go!

Day 6

2010-08-23T09:47:00.000-07:00

Starting the day off right today. I had water first thing upon waking as usual, drank my GREEN drink! It was pretty good, then I did my skin brushing. My body feels cleansed and good in the morning, seems the perfect time to help it cleanse more.

I am going to try to keep up this morning routine every day to tighten my skin, and cleanse my body. I used a lot of kale in my green drink as I found out it is great for the liver and hopefully this will also help my skin clear a little.

Today is workout day, took the day off that yesterday so today it is time for another. I'll check back in later to let everyone know how that goes....ok it is later! Almost 4 here. I just did my workout.

It went really well. I did the whole MORE workout. It was awesome! I feel really great about my muscle activation and form and only two extra water breaks. I got my PG spray in today and it so that was extra motivating to have that supplement to increase endurance and fat burning.

I am thinking off day tomorrow! WOO! And I feel great about it. It is so awesome to be able to take days off of exercise, it just makes me work that much harder the next time I do it. My body can heal and rebuild while I rest and I can give my mind a break from my battle. I think that mind break is the most important thing for me, to not obsess. When that happens I just want to quit! I want to crawl in a hole and give up. So, breaks are great!

Day 5

2010-08-22T12:07:00.000-07:00

Wow, day 5 really? Already?

It is quite amazing how when I write something down about my progress every single day how fast the time flies. It reminds me of something I read from another lady who T-Tapped her way to fitness.

She said that that year would go by whether she had sat on the couch or not. I forget her exact words so I am not quoting here but the idea is still fresh in my mind. These past five days would have gone by (maybe even quickly) no matter what I did. But I have chosen to continue to create new eating habits and have exercised 2 times so far. Doesn't sound like much but if I get three workouts in a week, try to workup to more, keep adding in more healthy food and taking out more unhealthy food that after a year I could be near my goal or even have reached it.

I can't wait. But I can't give up. On a hard day I have to remember that a year from now I will really regret it if I don't keep working hard on this.

This wonderful lady and her story continue to keep me motivated: http://t-tapp.com/success/charlotte/default.html

As far as my intake of food and drink. I didn't have NOT ONE soda today! WOO HOO!

That is a big thing for me to not even have a few ounces of soda. I am still having black tea so that is my next baby step. No more black tea. Only drinks will be water mainly, then as supplements my green drink and maybe some red tea (which is caffeine free!)

I know once I manage to drink only water all day I will lose the weight much faster. That caffeine just really hinders the whole process. My liver needs it's water to flush that fat!

Day 4

2010-08-21T13:35:00.000-07:00

I just did my workout so I am having one of those moments where I feel awesome. T-Tapp just really makes me feel so good. My entire body feels so worked and so alive. I love that feeling. And I only did the remainder of the workout I didn't finish yesterday! This workout just really rocks it. My spine was really feeling the heat and the sweat pouring off of me, tingly arms from that awesome increased neuro kinetic flow! I love it! I feel so cleansed after a workout, mind and body. I can't wait to start seeing some inch loss again! It has been so long since I have been consistent and dropped a size. I remember how great that felt when I could zip up those 18's, can't wait for the next success!

Eating has been fine today. Nothing bad. I haven't been up to the level of healthy eating I want but I feel I am making some progress and that is what it is all about.

Now to make myself do my skin brushing tonight and to make sure and make some kale, carrot, celery, apple, spinach juice! YUM, that stuff is liquid energy.

Still Day 3. Just did half my workout.

2010-08-20T13:27:00.000-07:00

Half? Yes Half. But I gave it my ALL. I did my best. I had taken quite a break from exercise, several months. I'm sure next workout will go better as will the one after that. But I am proud of what I did do! My form was great and I "tightened those muscles" just like Teresa says the whole time! My arms are feeling it right now as I type. Everything is really, but just having to use my arms to type, wow what a workout!

I think every time I finish working out I think, I can't possibly eat anything bad for me and undo what I just did. Seems all to often as soon as things start to get a little chaotic or stressful I go right back to the sugar. I need to find a way to remind myself of how hard I am working and sweating to get rid of this fat. I don't want to sabotage my hard work with bad food.

It won't be easy, oh Lord help me it won't be. But I must make avoiding sugar a habit. I already managed to change my thinking about soda somewhat, to me it is like a poison. A poison that robs me of my energy, my health, and my waistline. I cannot take a single sip, I have to keep away from it. That is for sure.

Day 3: changing one habit at a time

2010-08-20T09:12:00.000-07:00

Today I am feeling frustrated with myself and my need to do this one step at a time. I need to get off that guilt train wreck. I keep saying, last time you just did it and all at once, my habits stuck for a long time and it was easy and you didn't get headaches from giving up soda. Then I remember that before I changed I didn't drink hardly any soda. I didn't eat hardly any junk in the first place. It was simply cutting out all eating out and packaged foods, drinking water. I didn't have to get myself over so many hurdles. Now I have to take those hurdles one at a time because when I try to jump over all of them I fall down big time.

So, today is just about reminding myself to just take this one thing at a time. Giving up soda water is a big one thing for me. It has been such a big bad habit for me for so many years. Hard to get my mind used to asking for something else to drink, not stopping at a gas station to pick one up on the way home etc.

Being consistent with exercise is another biggie. I often put it off until I feel the house is clean enough but....that can some days not be until late at night and then, yeah, not gonna happen.

Here are my "plans" or you could call them "goals". Just some things I need and want to do very badly! In no particular order:

1. Kick the soda habit once and for all!

2. Drink half my body weight in ounces of water every day.

3. Drink my green drink every day.

4. Take all my supplements every day.

5. Eat only homemade or healthy food. Some places we eat out have good choices and I know we will eat out once in awhile so I must vow to make the good choice.

6. Give up white sugar! I think I will let myself have some cake on my birthday if I reach my birthday goal! That would be awesome! (I know I have yet to make that goal list up) :D

7. Exercise at least 3 times per week and keep fairly active all day every day. Not too hard with all the work I have to do!

8. Dry skin brush every day! I don't know why five minutes is so hard for me to make myself do, but it has been.

9. Get more sleep at night. I am a night owl and my kids are early risers...not a good combination.

That is pretty much it, I know if I do those things the weight will come off easily barring any unknown health issues like thyroid. But I don't think so. I know I tend toward a sluggish one so I have to keep up my supplements to help prevent a problem.

Day 2

2010-08-19T07:04:00.000-07:00

This morning as I was laying in bed trying to wake up I had a pain in my leg. I had some leg cramping at night, a sure sign I need more calcium and magnesium. I used to take it every night before bed and it helped me sleep and prevented leg cramps...ugh, why did I have to get so lazy. I will be sure to take some before bed tonight. I will be limping half the morning because the charlie horse was that bad.

I also began to think about food as I lay there. I have yet to eat breakfast because so often it is easier to not eat than try to make the right food choice. But I will eat breakfast. That is something that I must do to lose weight, I cannot be lazy about making my own breakfast. It really isn't much more work than making something for the kids. They eat different than I do because one of my little ones has food allergies, I shouldn't be lazy about my own breakfast.

I also began to think of all the foods I cannot eat that I want to eat so bad! When I think of what we are to do today that is what I have trained myself to think of and that is bad. Without realizing it I have been using food to fill a void, fill the empty space, take up time, make myself feel better. It is so so hard to not go there. To not fall into that comfort of fried foods and soda water.

I'm sure there are many who may not understand why this is comforting but it is. It tastes good of course, and sugar well. Sugar I found out literally increases seratonin levels in your brain! That is the feel good hormone. So you get this very temporary little mood boost. And when I am feeling just slightly down I crave that boost. I don't even have to be really sad anymore. Since I have been eating sugar so much these past three years it is like I just crave that boost more and more. I no longer have to be sobbing to want to eat chocolate, I just have to be a little bored, a little down, or just wanting to make my down time more enjoyable. It is like a drug, sugar is like a drug and that makes me mad. I don't want to go down that road anymore. I'm done. I'm tired, and I want to feel good all on my own.

I am a happy person so I just remind myself of that and that I don't need sugar! I don't need it I don't want it I just crave it. My flesh craves sugar. But, I'm done listening. The next time I have a slice of cake it will be at my sons 2nd birthday....and it will be an allergen free cake at that! And by then I will have reached a few of my weight loss goals. (I know I need to write those down too!)

It is hard to be this totally honest about my food choices and my realizations about why I had made them (whether I was aware of them at the time or not). The harder thing even is to promise myself to make different food choices from now on.

I need to look at food differently, I need to ask myself, would I let the kids eat this? Would I let them have soda? When they get a treat, do I let them eat a whole bunch of it? No way, I want them to be healthy. So, I need to do the same for myself, they deserve a healthy mama.

A little insight to where I am now.

2010-08-18T17:03:00.000-07:00

I thought I would share a little more about myself via my "T-Tapp success story"...I know what you are thinking, I haven't gotten anywhere near my goal yet. That is just one other thing I love about Teresa Tapp, she doesn't wait until someone has reached perfection to share their story on her website.

Her workout program has blessed me in so many ways. Healing my back and keeping me from becoming extremely enormous from all the bad food I had been eating. So, here is more of my story, hope it speaks to you in some way that is helpful:

http://www.t-tapp.com/success/jenniferj/index.html

I feel bigger than what that last photo shows and it shows in photos too. The pants I fit into are a little tight, I cannot really fit comfortably into 16W anymore. I believe what I gained back was a lot of belly bloat from not working out consistently, sometimes not at all and from still drinking soda waters and eating fast food and candy bars. My fingers are swollen and my face looks puffy to me. So I am wearing 18W, but they are very snug, I believe I could wear 20's but I don't wanna. I'm sure my 18's will loosen up in no time if I just drink water and no soda!

The strange thing is I do really enjoy healthy food. The problem always was that I would eat the healthy food, then have a king size Snickers and a soda for dessert....smart huh?

Today went well. I didn't have any candy or anything I shouldn't. No workout today but I did a lot of work and it is soooo hot right now. Hoping all that sweating did some good. ;)

Day 1

2010-08-18T07:19:00.000-07:00

Ok, here I go. A little nervous to make a public announcement that I am trying to lose weight. But there it is.

It took a lot of guts for me to admit that this time, I need help, I need encouragement. But, pride goeth before a fall so here I am setting aside all pride in my know how of weight loss and admitting that despite a little know how and past success that this time, I need help. I need prayers and people and love and ..... accountability. That is a scary word for me right now, accountability.

There were some things that I had to realize are just different for me right now. I have been through a lot and I am not the same as I was years ago. Here are some things I have realized:

#1 I cannot go cold turkey! I have taken many baby steps toward better eating habits over the last year since realizing I was eating every single time I felt the slightest bit of stress or sadness. I was trying to numb myself to my pain. So, now, I had to wean myself off of things. Last time I lost weight I just started and didn't look back, but my life was different. I hadn't experienced a loss yet and was pretty darn happy most of the time. Life was pretty normal. It is getting to a new normal but it is taking more work than usual to get there.

#2 I cannot have a treat until I have lost some weight! Some people can have a once a week treat, it is even recommended to eat dark chocolate in small amounts when trying to lose weight. I know people who eat right all week then once a week allow a treat. I cannot do that. My body is so hooked on sugar that if I have it, I keep on having it. It sets those gears in motion and after one bite I am off in craving land. Can't happen. So, I will get my antioxidants from something other than super dark, slightly sweet chocolate thank you, and squelch my sweet craving with fruit.

#3 It isn't rocket science! I need to remember what worked last time. Since gaining weight again and being bigger than I have ever been I got sucked into all the mumbo jumbo of the dieting world. Something I thought I was immune to. It is humbling to realize I lost touch with what I know and went down a path of buying book after book and not ever really dealing with the problem as I knew I should. I wanted to find a way to forgo the need for diligence and just fix it. So, I'm going about this the old fashioned way like I did before and before it REALLY worked well so I am keeping that in mind. Good healthy homemade food, lots of water, and exercise.

#4 In regard to number 3, I also need to remember that it is ok to add in new healthy things I didn't use before. I am trying to avoid being afraid of new things seeing as what I did before did work so well. Taking a few new supplements that I have learned about and drinking some herbal teas I know will help is OK.

#5 Accountability, last time I went on this journey I really didn't need it. Eating right wasn't a struggle. This time, I need some of this thing called accountability...hence the blog. It helps to know I need to come write something down about how I am doing every now and again. I am also an active member at the forum for the exercise program I chose to use years ago. It helps to have people to talk to about what you are doing and hearing others experiences, reading the successes, being there for others during a hard day. We are all in this together and have the same goals, we need eachother.

More coming later. Right now time to get up and get going for the day. So far it has started well. I ate my eggs, I made sure I sat down at the dining table to eat it. That is important, always eating at the table. No more rushed food choices! :)

Oh, and you can join my facebook page too if you like: http://www.facebook.com/home.php#!/pages/Saras-Slim-Down/146227608735243?v=wall

It's time to begin.....

2010-08-17T23:33:00.001-07:00

In case you were wondering this blog is going to be about my journey losing weight. Something to keep me on task and accountable to something even if no one ever reads this on a regular basis.

I got the idea from this guy: onetongorilla.com and he did such a fantastic job with his weight loss and the blog about said weight loss. It was quite inspirational. Now, I won’t be going about it the same way but I thought the whole blog, facebook page idea was brilliant. He is so right about it being hard to tell family what you are up to for fear of letting them down if you fail…that is rough and keeps me from trying in the first place.

Now, my story of how I got here is rather long and I don’t want to bore anyone to death. I will try to put bits of my story and personal experience in without giving you a whole autobiography for you to read right off the bat.

Let’s just start with the simple facts. I am 27, turning 28 in October. I am much larger than I would like to be and I have no excuse not to be slim seeing as I have lost weight in the past and kept it off until a tragedy in my life. After that I turned into an emotional eater. It took me two years to realize what I was doing to myself and an entire year after realizing my problem to stop eating every time I was upset. I have made many improvements, even lost a few sizes. But it has been slow going, I’m not willing to just wander along this path any more, time to step it up a notch!

I have never completely ceased my exercise program but haven’t been consistent enough either. But, thankfully, what I did do kept me from gaining back any of those sizes I managed to lose after my 3rd pregnancy.

So, three years after a stressful (to say the least), tragedy in my life I am ready, ready to make this thing happen. I am ready to lose weight and live more like I used to 3 years ago; 3 years and 4 months to be exact.

In the morning the healthy way of eating will commence. I will vow to do my workout three times per week at least. Consistency is key! I will make sure I have my prayer time and take my supplements. I’m a little afraid, eating is….well something I have been doing for fun too often and for a long time. But, I am also really fired up and maybe even downright mad at this fat that is keeping me from being my best for my family and myself. I can do better, I know I can. I have before and I will again. So, here I go.