I have spoken before of my struggle with consistent workouts before in my big confession of how lacking I had been in this area of my routine. Well, it seems I am still lacking. I have thought, and prayed, and tried different things to get myself consistent. Way back when I could just pick something up and stick with it. I have noted many times how things are not the same and that I must need something other than sheer will or desire to get where I need to be.
I knew this, still know it, and haven't yet found my cure. I thought well, I am not for schedules. I have always hated them, never stick with them. I have always thrived on just doing what needs to be done when I can and being very productive as such. I am still this way with most things, but not with exercise. When it comes to exercise, that bit of a plan in my head has not been enough to keep me going. I have tried writing it down, never being one for lists this hasn't worked either, I get so upset when I don't keep to the list and trash it.
I think all in all, in the end, there are just days where the emotional, downtrodden feeling just becomes too overwhelming and moving on with my exercise plans seems depressing. I have so much farther to go than ever in my life. For the past 3 years or more taking time to do things other than housework or caring for children, has felt selfish to me. But, I know I have to workout, I know why, I know it will be better for my whole family in the end to have a very happy mommy who has enough energy not just for them but for all my hobbies and loves of doing and moving all day; this will benefit the children greatly and my husband. Even so, getting there is very hard; very, very hard.
I think I had come to the end of my rope when I saw an email from one of my very favorite, most inspiring T-Tappers, Charlotte Seims, in my inbox. She, now as a T-Tapp coach has come up with a "Renew You Virtual Coaching Program". I have read her success story of a size 22 to a 6 in a year over and over again; her story being one of the few things that keeps me motivated to not give up completely. And when I saw the price of the program, that I had the money, and that I would get daily emails and tips from her, she who has been about the same size I am and even sedentary for many years; I bought the program immediately! I had been praying for help, help for my lack of consistency and the emotions involved with needing to lose more than 4 clothing sizes. I have been exercising all these years, but to no avail partly due to eating and pregnancy but a big part of the lack of size loss is my lack of consistency. I can workout hard for a week, even a month, then quit for several weeks after that out of frustration and feeling hopeless.
It isn't motivation I lack, I am motivated, but it wanes very much after a week and a lot of soreness, especially after a month. When you lose a size and are still quite large, depression happens a lot.
It isn't a lack of time or desire, willpower. It is a feeling, a feeling that still creeps upon me all too often. I am looking forward to hearing tips from someone who has been this large and over come, someone who has gone through this very thing I am facing. I am sure it will help some, how much is yet to be found out. Either way here I go, day one. I read the emails I have received thus far, printed out the schedules, (yes schedules I say fearfully!), and did my first workout being sure to mark it off on my chart. I am supposed to measure to keep track of progress and I still need to skin brush for the day (something else I haven't kept up with and I can see how it has had a negative effect on my skin to be so negligent about it).
Even so, today during my workout I had a lot of negative feelings. Guilt, anger, sadness....These things can be overwhelming and are the reason why I have such a hard time getting consistent. I am constantly wishing exercise were still fun and only necessary to maintain but that is not the case.I HAVE to do workouts to get thin again.
It get's to a point, and has for me, where it is about the weight and not just how I feel. I am strong, sure. I can do lots of heavy lifting and working then look in the mirror worn and tired and see that no matter how fit I may feel at times, I am still very large and that is depressing, and terribly uncomfortable in many ways. So it has gotten to a point where the size of myself has negatively impacted my enjoyment of life in general and is with me daily never leaving me in peace. It is a lack of normalcy. Never the less I try to be grateful. My sob story is a mere 3 and a half years of hardship. Not nearly what some people must face. I am very grateful that most of my life I had been thin save for pregnancies. Maybe that is part of the reason that now I feel very freakish and embarrassed about my size, it isn't normal and I want it gone, 3 and a half years is long enough to live this way. I am hoping that by following a schedule someone else made for me, it won't be me having to think about it so much, just doing what the schedule says and hopefully later, the consistency will stick.
I certainly don't want to seem ungrateful for what I do have. I have been very blessed to have found T-Tapp in the first place. If it weren't for T-Tapp I would still have severe neck and back pain, daily headaches and trouble sleeping and probably be diabetic and have knee trouble along with that. I have been very blessed to have kept decent health through all of this and have even achieved much healing from injuries. For these things I am so grateful and am sure to not ever forget no matter how down I am feeling about my size.
Link to Charlotte Seims site and her virtual coaching program: http://charlottesiems.com/virtual-coaching
0 comments:
Post a Comment