An unpleasant encounter...again...

So, last night at the grocery store I ran into a lady my husband used to work with. I haven't seen her in ages, how big her daughter has gotten was a testimony to that fact.

I saw her 3 years ago, about the time my daughter died, she may have been at the funeral. I was smaller then and I had just had a baby as well.

Well, I was happy to see her and she liked seeing my kids and how big they have gotten. She obviously noticed how big I have gotten....she asked me about my pregnancy....

This has become a fairly common occurrence, people thinking I am pregnant.....I think I got used to just saying, "no, I'm not pregnant" without much emotion attached to it.

Then I see the look on her face.....a kinda awkward half smile, shocked, surprised "oh, I thought you were pregnant." Seeing her reaction I just stated feeling more emotional than usual, "no, not pregnant, I gained a lot of weight ever since Neveah died." Again with the "oh, and I thought..." you get the idea.

I don't think I am so upset about people thinking I am pregnant anymore because I know what I look like and I am working on it, I really am. I am doing the best I can. What bothers me is the look I get when they find out they are mistaken. Sometimes embarrassed which makes sense. Others shocked, they kinda give me the once over with a look of slight disgust, or curiosity....like what happened to her? Why doesn't she just do something about it already....she used to be so thin....my imagination can come up with a lot I'm sure.

That bothers me as I don't know what they are thinking, I try to give them the benefit of the doubt but their faces speak volumes. I know what it is like to be thin and wonder how fat can happen. I think I am seeing my current circumstance as a blessing, a way to know yet again what it is like to be in someone else's shoes and know that I don't know the whole story of how they got where they are or how they live, what they go through.

A little insight into the fact that not everyone who is fat chose to be that way. Most of them probably did not choose it. Some of them may have chosen to not care about what they eat, others may have a medical issue of some sort; maybe a thyroid problem, some of them maybe are doing all they can to lose weight and nothing is happening.....like with me. Noting is happening yet! But I haven't given up! Others still may have zero support, maybe they are all alone in life, or maybe they just lost someone and are eating to fill a void like I did unknowingly. Maybe they are so addicted to sugar that the withdrawals are too much to handle without a loving friend or family member to help them.

When people look at a fat person that seems to be all they see is a lazy fat person. Never mind that I work hard all day and raise my kids and exercise. Never mind that I don't drink soda or eat Snickers bars anymore. Never mind the torment that got me here in the first place and that no one around me noticed or said "Hey, you ok? You seem to be eating to feel better, need to talk? I am here for you, come to me next time you want to eat just to feel better."

How even people who saw me eat couldn't have sensed trouble...I'll never know. But, that is how it happened and I didn't know what I was doing for 2 whole years! By then I was so addicted to carbs and sugars and grease that it took me a whole year to wean off it all! I had no help, no motivation. I was depressed and still get that way a lot.

I work out, I do my best to eat right and I know how to lose weight. I'm not a dummy, I'm not like this by a choice to be lazy and eat whatever is in sight even though I know better. It was a series of events and choices to reach for comfort during a very uncomfortable time when I found comfort no where else. When I felt alone and desperate, I ate. I had fun sure, I had good days, sure. But slowly those things became second nature, habit. It was slowly becoming a habit to have a king size Snickers nightly with a soda water. It became normal to eat 3 or 4 pop tarts in the morning and wash it down with soda. It just became normal. And often, I would cry about it afterward and regret eating such things. Then I would want to eat again. You see, sugar literally makes you feel happy by increasing serotonin levels in the brain; but it is very short lived. That little spike it gives you doesn't last long so you have to keep on eating. Food is addictive.

I have broken free and have been totally free from it for at least six months now! That is a big accomplishment! But, can you see it when you look at me? No, you just see a fat person. Don't judge that which you do not understand. Offer love and support, not disgusted looks, this is a person in here under all this flesh....

So next time you see someone who is having a weight problem, don't' judge even if they are eating fast food. Maybe they have already lost several sizes and it is that oh so wonderful TREAT DAY! Or maybe they haven't had any fast food in a really long time and they caved then later they will be home alone crying about it. OR maybe just maybe they haven't yet gotten to that place where they are ready to lose weight. Losing weight stresses your life and your body the same way taking it on does....until you have walked a mile in their shoes...you don't know...