As far as I have come, as happy I am to not be drinking soda water and eating tons of sugar....those old feelings do come back now and again, feelings of want and need for sugar, food, snacks, numbing myself. It is hard. A journey such as this from where I came from and why, what happened to me and what I did to myself, habits I made that now I have to fight to break.....is not a journey to be taken lightly. This isn't just a diet or a way of eating. I have done those things with fair ease before now, before I experienced real pain and tragedy, sure, I have done a diet, a healthy life plan and it was easy. Now, it is hard.
I am facing a hard few days here, and more in the future I am sure. I don't know if tomorrow will be another, they can come at any time. For me this is more than just an eating plan, a workout plan, and a forming of healthy habits. It isn't know how I lack, I know how to lose weight, sure. This is a practice in leaning on my God instead of myself or the pleasures of this world. This is a practice in leaning on my family: husband, kids, parents, etc instead of leaning on food. This is trusting that I can make it through a day without gorging on something tasty just for the heck of it. I know how to lean on something other than food but it now takes effort to do so, I used to do it without thinking about it but now I know how quickly something you count on can be taken away. It changes you. Death changes lives and it sure changed mine in a huge way. I know in the end it will be for the better but I have to over come what is first.
These thoughts of food as comfort, they shock me. My past is filled with fitness and health, sports and dance, grace and beauty, thinness and happiness. How I got here, to the land of the overweight, seems almost unreal.
My reality now is still filled with joy and good times and also a knowing of what is real, an understanding of true pain and mourning, death, loss, and the ultimate triumph in moving on...but, yet, there is difficulty.
All the wisdom or understanding I may have gained through my pain can find me yet again in the depths of despair wishing I could just eat a whole bag of cookies and forget. Not have to think about it anymore. Not have to learn anymore or admit the reality of a world that is not perfect, not as perfect as I had hoped it was in my younger years. Those grand delusions of my youth are laughable but in the end necessary to get me to where I am as an adult.
But I must keep going. I cannot, WILL NOT, PLAIN DO NOT WANT TO GO BACK to depending on food! I am weak, I try to be strong. Only my Lord can get me there. It is easy to sit, to eat, to indulge...it is fun to drink and be merry....but...it is much more profitable for me to exercise, not just restraint with food choices, but a turning away from this lust of my flesh. Yes, lust, I know most people think that means something sexual but it means more than that for that is not the type of lust I struggle with....I struggle with the desire to eat more than my portion, more than my body needs to be healthy so I can numb myself. Numb myself so that I do not have to deal with it, to try to make the painful emotions just go away. But I know that is silly, I am shocked I ever did eat to make myself feel better but the desire to turn back to that is strong. It is a weakness, a weakness of my flesh I must overcome.
The spirit indeed is willing but the flesh is weak.....so true...I have hope, hope that someday, maybe a few months from now, a year....who knows. But someday, my new healthy habits will be the ones that give me comfort. It will happen. If I can succeed day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute it will be a reality and I will be free. Free from this weakness and able to just enjoy life and not worry SO much about what I eat. Someday the good food will once again be what I naturally turn to. I will keep turning to what feeds my body and heals it, what makes it feel good and keeps me healthy....hard as it is I will keep on.
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