Keep my eye on the prize?

Today as I was grocery shopping and thus considering all my food options all the while considering my strict budget. One thing I realize that should make this easier is homemade food is cheaper, so that is a plus!

But, I also found myself thinking in this manner..."if I could just eat this for lunch every day, and this for breakfast, make a good healthy family supper then the weight would just fall off and I will be small again in no time" When I thought this I found myself thinking about being size six again so much that I think it has become self defeating. They say keep your eye on the prize so you don't forget why you are doing what you are doing. I think that is great, but I'm afraid it has lessened the enjoyment of this journey and life in general. It is too much at the size I am now to think of being that much smaller. It takes time, many months of hard work to get close to such a goal.

At the same time, I don't want to lose sight of the goal, I don't want to think of myself as "I'm not that bad off, least I exercise. I shouldn't think too hard about what I eat because it is too stressful, too hard." Sometimes that kind of thinking gets me into trouble too, not gaining weight but not losing it either.

Well, I think I have had yet another personal revelation. I know personal revelations don't sound all that grand to people who don't understand exactly how you feel or what you are thinking, but for the person having it it means a lot.

Last time I had a personal revelation I gave up a 3 year habit of drinking massive amounts of soda water! Maybe it isn't a revelation, just an understanding something more about my own current line of thinking or way of living, an understanding of myself and what will make this work for me right now.

So, for me today I realized I have been way to caught up on the size six. Sure I still want that and I have a goal date for it and everything (our anniversary March 16, 2011). And I have other goals along the way, they say goal setting is a must, it is good, it works. Well, sure, but maybe not for me? Maybe not for everyone? Hasn't helped me any, it gets me kinda down in the dumps sometimes. I see how far I have to go and the lifestyle change doesn't seem worth it anymore. :P No fun.

All this to say my new way of thinking is that I have decided I want to live this way. I want to eat this and not that, I want to exercise like I have been and keep on doing it for life. I don't ever want to quit again or allow myself to eat for emotional reasons ever again. Do I want treats on birthdays and Christmas? Sure, but do I want a treat ever week? Eh, not so much. I want to live healthy. Do I want to be obsesive about it and feel guilty if I ever eat some rich dessert? No, I want to enjoy my food always whether it is celery or cheesecake I will make it myself and enjoy it.

I am a big believer and user of natural remedies and health and healing with food. I want to start living it again, completely and fully and not just halfway. I want to live what I believe. Practice what I preach, and enjoy every minute of it even now at size 20; and then at size 18, and 16, and 14 all the way down to size 6 and everything in between. I don't want to have it stuck in my head that I cannot be happy until that almost miracle like thought of a size six gets here. I want to look in the mirror and enjoy the journey, the process, the learning, and the possibility to later help others during their own journey.

I am tired of living like I just cannot and will not until .... someday. I don't want to make excuses and have this illusion that all will be easier just because of my size being smaller. I just want to feel good, I want to do what I love and love what I do. I want to make the right choices right now. I don't want to use food for comfort or fun. It isn't entertainment it is nutrition, it is healing, it is for my body to thrive. I want to thrive.