For two days I didn't do any working out or anything. I got really depressed and today is no exception on the emotional front. I just am still in shock I think of how big I am. I tried to workout today and I got SO worn out so fast. I am depressed by my body not moving like it used to. I used to love movement and now.....
I am tired of having to think about this. I am always thinking, "if I could just do this and stick with it for more than a week or two, if I didn't change my routine every few weeks..." If, if, IF!
If only I hadn't done this to myself to begin with, but alas, looking back doesn't help me at all so I try not to go there. At the same time old photos remind me of what my body is capable of. So, the past has two sides to it, one depressing and the other giving me hope.
Every day having to get dressed and live my day at this size causes me sadness. That leads to guilt for being this way to begin with then even worse, knowing I need to stop having a pity party because I truly am a blessed person who has more than so many do, my physical problem is one that is fixable and not dangerous or painful in extreme ways. So many others out there are so much worse off than I am so what am I complaining about? Makes me feel guilty that I just can't change a few habits and be happy. I need to get over it. I'm fat and that is me right now. Sucks but there it is. Crying over it sometimes is gonna happen but man I am sick of it.
I want to be free from the guilt. Free from the obsessing. Free from this whole thing.
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