I posted on facebook last night that I have kinda had it with the baby steps. In the past two months I have made such huge improvements in my eating by taking it one little step at a time. I am happy with where the baby steps have gotten me and that is, I think I am really finally ready to tackle this weight head on and not look back. I no longer feel totally controlled by my food, if I have a treat I usually think, eh, it didn't taste THAT good. I don't really need to do that again.
And despite giving up soda, no longer eating tons of candy especially not every time I am upset, only eating when I am hungry, eating much more homemade foods, veggies and drinking green drinks...I haven't lost any inches.
So, I am ready. I am so ready. I have somewhere to go with my husband in October and want to feel nice darn it. Confident. See I don't ask for much, I just want to be making progress and seeing progress. I know that once that happens I will later reach my goal size and then I can just keep firming up, weight loss will no longer be such a huge part of my day or concern. I can just...live my life! A healthy happy life!
I heard an old song last night, I think that lit a fire under me. I don't know how to explain that. It brought back so many memories. It simply was a song I listened to a lot as a teen. I was a very happy teen, very thin, athletic. I loved figure skating, biking, dancing, working hard in the hot sun. I loved it all, I was young and loving life. I was very active. I married young at 19 and that is when I first gained weight (though I would love to be that size now! LOL) having to give up much of my costly hobbies and cooking lots of great meals for my new husband. I loved and still love being married, wouldn't trade it for a thing. I'm not really very vain. I have been in the past and I regret that. But my weight has gotten to a point where I don't feel normal anymore. I am embarrassed to be in public and am just plain uncomfortable in my clothing unless it is big and stretchy. Being self-conscious is not fun. I like to try to think on the things of others and serve my family and the selfishness that caused the weight and the "self" consciousness are just things I am not proud of and that need to go.
Yes, for two years I don't think I even realized I was eating so much or why I was doing it...
Anyway...listening to that song last night I cried, and I cried. It was strange. I don't miss being a teen, heaven's no, LOL. That wasn't it. It was that I remembered something of who I am that is still a part of me, I thought about all the things I want to do with my kids, I remembered my sweet 2 year old angel in heaven and how much I miss her but how much fun we did have together while she was here. I was happy while she was here, totally happy. I love my other two kids so much and they truly have been such a source of strength with their joyful faces greeting me every day, they didn't know their big sister, one was just a newborn at the time. Some of these feelings I know (thankfully) most people can't begin to comprehend, a child dying isn't something that is easily understood by most, I sure didn't understand what it would feel like before it happened.
Try as I might to stop it, life kept going and it keeps going. The happy times I have had since she died are truly a blessing and a miracle. For us as a family to come out of this in one piece is a miracle that I certainly don't take for granted.
I know, this seems weird, but as I was listening to this song last night, my life sorted just played out in my mind. I saw very clearly where I have been, relived the horrors as well as the many happy times. I saw where I am now and where I am going and what I need to do to get there. I remembered what I was able to accomplish before we lost our sweet girl, that I can do things and I can still do those things now. I do love where I am now in life...I really do, as a mother and a wife. I love the Lord and still put my trust in him. He has taken away much pain for me. Before starting this blog I really learned how to give things over to him, really and truly during a partial fast, "The Daniel Fast". It was eye opening, well more like heart opening! I know that sounds really cheesy but it is true. No I didn't lose any weight doing that either! Don't know why really, I think God was teaching me something. I learned a lot about how much more important the inner beauty is and that this body is just that, a body I live in for now but it is his temple and I need to start taking better care of it.
Anyway, all this to say that I feel different. I feel ready to eliminate all the bad foods from my daily life and commit to exercising more consistently. I want to change my life here. There are things here and there I am not happy with, lost things that I want to do and learn. I have so many things I would love to be doing and it is time to lift this burden of weight from them so they can happen more readily.
I feel I have the will to do it. That is scary to say because that old fear of failure does still crop up and I'm not saying it will be easy. Far from it, these first few days are gonna be rough as my body adjusts to how I am going to feed it and move it. But I'm gonna do it!
"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." :)
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